


Didn't We Almost Have it All?

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: After Mission, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Artificial Limbs, Body Image, Character Death, Child Death (past), Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Gay Sex, Grieving, Heavy Angst, Kolinahr (Star Trek), Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One-Shot Gone Awry, Piano Playing Bones, Riverside, Romance, Sacrifice, Scars, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma Recovery, Triumvirate, Unstable Bonds, Weddings, lost opportunities
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2018-11-29 23:18:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 30,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11451141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Bones asks Jim to his daughter's wedding in San Francisco(this is a simple summary for an extremely complicated fic but there you have it)





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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He’d wondered briefly if he ought to have shaved. In the end, he’d decided not to bother. He wasn’t out to impress…well anyone, really. And anyway, he just didn’t feel like it. He’d showered and put on clean clothes which was more than he’d done in a while.

His hands were shoved into the pockets of his jeans as he leaned against the wall waiting. It was usually a little easier when he leaned on something. Standing for a long time didn’t feel great. And the shuttle bay was crowded so there weren’t a lot of seats.  The shuttle he’d been expecting was late. Half of them were. But he had nowhere else to be anyway.

The shuttle ended up being an hour late and predictably, Bones was the last one off, too.

Jim smiled and straightened.

Bones looked around for several seconds before his gaze landed on Jim. His hazel eyes instantly widened and he stared at Jim like maybe Jim was really a bug or something.

“Jim?”

“Who else?”

“Well, you look a little like a mountain man.” Bones approached him and then hugged him like maybe he’d never let him go. “For corn’s sake, Jim, how long has it been?”

“Too long,” Jim replied, extracting himself from Bones’ hug. “Five years?”

“Seven,” Bones corrected, staring at Jim with far too much knowledge. When his gaze lowered and lingered there, Jim backed away a little.

Jim nodded. “How long do you have?”

“Well, that’s something I want to talk to you about.” Bones clapped him on the back. “Let me buy you dinner.”

“All right, let’s go.”

He noticed Bones only had a small bag but that was okay. Jim didn’t really want company for an extended time. He’d actually been a bit surprised Bones had contacted him about visiting. There had been several invitations to Georgia, but Jim always found excuses. He loved Bones. He did. But so much about that old life was over and he didn’t really want to go there.

Bones chose a steak house, unsurprisingly, and after they got settled into a red velvet booth in the back not far from the bathrooms, Jim studied his friend rather than the menu.

“What?”

“You look…good.” Jim shrugged. “The same really. Since the last time I saw you. You haven’t changed a bit.”

“You have,” Bones said softly. He gestured to Jim’s full beard threaded generously with gray. “What’s all this?”

“I have nobody to shave for except me.” Jim smiled. “And I don’t mind. So here I am.”

“So, you aren’t seeing anyone?”

“Seeing someone?” Jim snorted. “No. That part of my life is over.”

Bones blew out a heavy breath. “It doesn’t need to be.”

“Well, it is. I’m not interested.” Jim picked up his menu. A change of subject was definitely in order. “What I am interested in though is a big giant steak.”

“Get what you want.”

Jim lowered the menu to gaze at Bones.  “Usually you’re bugging me to eat healthy.”

“Don’t go out and eat a steak every day,” Bones said with a shrug. “A special occasion is okay. You’re looking a little skinny anyway.”

A waiter arrived and they ordered a bottle of red wine.

“Jo’s getting married,” Bones said into the silence.

Of all the things he expected Bones to say, that hadn’t really been it. “Yeah? That’s great. Who is she marrying?”

“Another doctor at the academy.” Bones paused. Then he set his menu down. “I know how you feel about weddings. But Jo would like you to come.”

Jim didn’t focus on the comment about weddings. Instead he chose what he was going to eat, set his menu on the table, and then smiled. “Wouldn’t miss it. When is it?”

Bones smiled. “Saturday.”

“What? Like _this_ Saturday?”

“Yes. I’d like you to come with me, in fact.”

“To Georgia?”

“San Francisco actually. They can’t take a lot of time off, so they want to marry there.”

“Uh.”

Jim smiled as the waiter arrived with their bottle and Bones tasted it, giving his approval. After they ordered their steaks, Jim picked up his glass of wine.

“This is kind of real short notice, Bones. Didn’t you know before this?

Bones smirked. “That’s the whole point, Jim. I knew if I gave you too much notice, you’d come up with some excuse not to make it.”

Jim laughed. “Now why would I do that?”

Bones leaned back in the booth. “You tell me. When was the last time you, I don’t know, saw anyone.”

“I see people.”

“Other than your neighbors.” Bones reached for his own wine and twirled the glass in his fingers. “Anyone from your ‘Fleet days?”

“Sure.”

Bones raised his brows. “Yeah? Who?”

He needed a cigarette is what he needed. But he left them back at the farmhouse and anyway the restaurant didn’t allow smoking. Jim sighed. “Rand.”

“When?”

“I don’t recall the exact day.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s not like I’m a recluse.”

“Pretty close. Okay, coming out here with me tonight proves you aren’t a shut in, but that’s about it.” Bones was looking far too serious and a little guilty, frankly. Which Jim absolutely hated.

“You’re so dramatic.”  

“You’re coming to Jo’s wedding.” Bones squinted at Jim. “And you’re going to shave.”

“Bones—”

“I’ll help you.”

The waiter arrived with their steaks and after they ate in silence for a moment, Jim enjoying his steak maybe a little too much, Jim finally mumbled, “I know how to shave. I don’t need help.”

“No? Could have fooled me.”

“Bones.” Jim sighed. “Everything works just fine. I don’t need assistance.”

For a long time Bones didn’t say anything. But Jim practically saw the wheels turning in his best friend’s head. Former? Were they still your best friend if you hadn’t seen them in five—no seven—years?

He knew Bones probably had questions or concerns at any rate.   

“You ever—?”

“No,” Jim said quickly. He suspected exactly where that question was leading and it was the worst one really.

“But—”

“Leave it.” He paused and finished his glass of wine. “Jo’s getting married, huh?”

“You’d like him.”

Jim smiled a little. He thought of himself as Jo’s protector. When she’d been a little girl there’d been a bully who wouldn’t leave her alone. He’d never forgotten that. And since he’d never have his own kids, well, no one was ever going to be good enough for Jo. “Doubtful.”

Bones smiled back, but he was staring intently at Jim, which made Jim start to squirm.

“What?”

“Just…it’s good to see you. It’s been-it’s been too long.”

“You aren’t getting misty-eyed on me are you?”

Bones held out his hand for Jim’s.  “What you did-what you sacrificed—”

Jim allowed him to take it. “I know, Bones.”

Bones blew out a breath and his eyes were looking suspiciously wet. His gaze went to the scars there, that started up the wrist and went far up Jim’s arm. “The price—”

“Wasn’t too high, so don’t say it.” Jim squeezed Bones’ hand. “You’re going to walk Jo down the aisle, yeah?”

Bones nodded, swallowing.

“That’s good,” Jim said gently. He released Bones’ hand. “I’ll go. And I’ll shave.”

“Thanks,” Bones said, his voice coming out more like a squeak. He cleared his throat. “Thank you. You’re one in a million.”

“Eat your steak and finish your wine. I’ve got to go home and figure out what to wear to this wedding.”

“I love you,” Bones blurted out. “And I missed you. A lot.”

“Old age makes you mushy,” Jim joked.

“Oh, shut up.” Bones threw his napkin at Jim, but at least, finally, he was smiling again, and seemed ready to move on from the conversation.   


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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“Jim, what do you—?”

Jim pulled the cigarette from his mouth and dropped it to the floor of the porch, stomping on it with his left shoe.

“I saw that. Not to mention smelled it.” Bones put his hands on his hips as he came out of the house fully. “Thought you gave that up back in our academy days.”

He handed Jim a glass of whiskey before lowering himself into the chair next to Jim with his own.

“I did.” Jim shrugged. “Kind of restarted.”

“When?”

“I guess when I moved back here. I don’t know. And I don’t do it every day.” Jim swirled the whiskey in his glass. “What were you going to say?”

“I was going to ask you what you want for breakfast.”

Jim smiled. “Are you going to burn me breakfast, Bonesy?”

“Shut up. I can cook.”

“Yeah? Cause I remember a time in the dorm where—”

“I’ve improved since then.” Bones flushed.

“It’s hard to get any worse.”

“God, you’re a dick sometimes.”

Jim just laughed. He took a drink. “I missed this. I did.”

“You sound surprised?” Bones nudged his arm. Then he grimaced. “Sorry.”

Jim sighed and stared into his drink. “It doesn’t hurt. You can touch me there.”

“I guess-I guess even now I’m still processing everything.”

Jim flexed his right arm. “It gets stiff sometimes, sure. And it’s definitely not pretty. But…it’s fully useful. And it doesn’t hurt.”

Bones’ gaze went immediately to Jim’s right leg.

“You want to see it?” Jim asked softly.

Bones’ eyes flew to his, their gaze widening. “You-you wouldn’t show me before. I mean, I know what they’re supposed to look like. I’m a doctor, damn it, but…not on—”

“Me,” Jim finished for him. He handed the glass to Bones and then pushed himself up to stand.

“You don’t have to do this.”

“Don’t I? It’s kind of the elephant in the room.” He undid his jeans and then slid them down all the way to his ankles, revealing his partially artificial leg that went from the knee down. It was flesh colored, or attempted to be anyway, but it still looked completely wrong. “I’d have to take off my shoe to show you the foot but I can if you want.”

Bones looked stricken and his eyes immediately filled with tears. “Jesus.”

Jim smiled, touched the top of his friend’s head and then pulled his jeans back and sat back in his chair. “It’s okay, Bones.”

“No it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is. Look, you’re alive to sit here, right? If I had to do it all over, I’d do it again. And again.” Jim squeezed Bones’ leg. “You brought me back from the dead, Bones. This is nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. No one has ever given up so much for me.” Bones wiped at his eyes. “You didn’t just lose your foot and leg, God Damn it. You lost your career. Everything you’ve ever worked for, wanted in life. And now…you’re-you’re—”

“Doing fine.”

“Jim.”

He sighed. “Let it go, Doc. I don’t regret it.” He grabbed back his drink. “And what would I have done without you, anyway?”

At this Bones snorted. “You’ve managed to do without me for the better part of seven years other than through video chat.”

Jim smiled and looked away out over the yard. It wasn’t yet fully dark. Wouldn’t be for another hour or so.

“Riverside,” Bones said, his voice coming out so rough it sounded like a growl. “Why this place?”

Jim shrugged. “House was free.”

“Is it? Comes with a pretty high cost if you ask me. All those bad memories.”

“I don’t care about that anymore,” Jim replied.

“Sure. Just drifted away with the wind.”

Jim glanced at Bones and took a sip of his whiskey. “It’s just a place, you know? He’s long gone now. So is Mom. Sam.”

“Ever hear from Peter?”

“Not really. At first. Back then. But after a while, no.”

Bones leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “Any particular reason why?”

“Mostly because I was too busy to respond. After so many tries, I guess he gave up. Can’t blame him.” Jim downed the rest of his whiskey. Yeah, he had a lot of regrets. But saving Bones wasn’t one of them.

Bones nodded, absently looking into his own empty glass. “Want another one?”

“No. Guess I’d better head to bed. You all set up in the guest room?” Jim struggled to his feet, wincing at the pain in his hip as he did so. Automatically Bones reached out as though to help him, but Jim moved out of his reach.

Bones folded his hands in his lap, as though to stop himself from offering more unwanted assistance. “Yeah, I’m set.”

Jim went back into the house and dropped off his empty glass in the kitchen. He made his way to his downstairs bedroom. Back when he was growing up this had been called the mother-in-law room because when Grandma Kirk had visited she’d always stayed in that particular room. Her visits had grown less frequent as the years passed until they’d stopped altogether when Jim was eight.

Gran had gotten in a big fight with his mother. She’d ended up cutting her visit short. Hadn’t even said goodbye to either Jim or Sam. He’d talked to his mother about it afterward.

 

_“When’s Gran coming back?”_

_“She isn’t coming back ever, Jimmy.”_

_“Why?”_

_Mom sighed. “Just the way it is.”_

 

It was all she’d ever said about it, too. Gran hadn’t come back, though he’d received a letter from her about a year later. Mom told him the next year that Gran had died.

Anyway, no one else had ever stayed in this particular room until Jim moved there after being pensioned off from Starfleet.

“Computer lights one hundred percent,” Jim called out as he entered the room. When he’d moved back here he’d made sure it had all modern technology, which was something his mother and Frank had never done.

For a good ten minutes as he prepared for bed, he fought the urge to look at the framed holopic on the dresser. But when he had gone through everything, even brushing his teeth, he went over to it.

It had been taken right after the newly Enterprise had left Yorktown after Krall and Altamid. It had been of him and Spock playing a game of chess in the rec room. It was a simple picture, really. They weren’t even standing next to each other, because they’d been sitting, engaged in the game. Uhura had taken it. She’d decided to do a bunch of pictures of the crew so she could make some sort of keepsake. This one, though, she’d given to him. It was the only one he had of him and Spock.

And he looked at it every night.

Every one.

****

Jim smiled brightly at Bones the next morning as he handed him a steaming mug of coffee. “Good morning, grumpy.”

Bones scowled and took the coffee. “How the hell long have you been up?”

“Oh an hour or so.” Jim winked. “Sit down. Breakfast is almost ready.”

“I said I was going to make it.”

“I was up.”

Bones sniffed. “Smells good. What are we having?”

“Bacon, eggs, and potatoes.”

“You shaved too. And cut your hair.” Bones frowned, sipping his coffee. “You cut your own hair?”

“It’s not hard.” Jim flipped an egg. “Once a couple years back I got bored so I shaved it all off.”

Bones snorted and went to the dining room table to sit. Jim plated his food and brought it to him and then made a plate for himself.

As Jim sat, he watched Bones’ gaze rake over his scarred arm. He’d gone with a short sleeved shirt that morning out of habit. He never bothered to cover up at home. When he went out, yeah, he always wore long-sleeved. Sometimes if he thought about it too much, he could still feel the heat of the flames.

“Hey.”

Bones’ gaze rose to his face. He flushed red. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I’m a doctor. I was _your_ doctor. I should knock this shit off.”

Jim smiled faintly. “It’s a little more personal, though, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Bones ate some of his breakfast. “This is good by the way.” He made a face. “Better than I could have done.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I could have replicated something though,” Bones said with a slight grin. “Listen, after the wedding, maybe you could consider shutting up this place and coming to stay with me in Georgia.”

“I’ll think about it,” Jim said, though he knew he wouldn’t. He was pretty sure Bones knew it too.

But he could get through Jo’s wedding. Or at least he hoped so.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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He seemed to be poised on the edge of his front step for much longer than was normal. Not that anything about him had ever been.

Normal.

Remotely.

But this felt heavy. And he was on the verge of a panic attack. He knew the signs. Hadn’t had one in years now. Didn’t need to, really. But it was coming. And he was shaking.

“Jim.”

Breathe. Concentrate on Bones’ voice. Focus. Breathe.

He glanced at Bones. He was waiting for them to depart. To head to the shuttle bay that would take them to San Francisco.

Take them from Riverside.

Take Jim.

From home.

Safety.

_Breathe._

“This-this is harder than I thought it would be,” Jim admitted. “No, that’s wrong. I knew it would be hard. I just…I haven’t left this-this in a long time. Since…”

“It’s okay, Jim.”

And he bit back the words, ‘that’s easy for you to say’. Bones was trying to help. Always trying to help. But he didn’t really know Bones anymore. Sure, he knew. But then—

“If you don’t want to come after all—”

And Bones looked like he thought Jim was the most pathetic thing in the universe. He probably didn’t even know that’s what his face was showing. But Jim read it all right.

“No. I’m okay. But I forgot something. So just wait here, all right?”

Jim didn’t wait to see what Bones’ reaction to that was. He just turned around and went back inside the house. He leaned against the nearest wall and let the spots before his eyes disappear.

To think he used to hate this place and all its memories. Now he had trapped himself here.

Jim straightened and went to his bedroom. His fingers closed over the holo pic of him and Spock. He clutched it close to his chest, not even caring how truly pathetic he actually was.

Finally he slipped it into the weekender bag he’d packed and headed back out of the house.

When he made it outside, Bones waited for him, a wary look on his face.

Bones smiled. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

For some reason it was harder to make his left leg move forward than his artificial one. But he did it. He went with Bones.

****

They’d been on the shuttle for about ten minutes when a young kid came up to them. Bones stiffened and took on his Mama Bear look, but Jim waited to see what was up.

“Captain Kirk?” He said it breathlessly. Almost reverently.

“I’m James Kirk,” he agreed. Technically, Starfleet had allowed him to retain his rank, but Jim had no starship to captain anymore so to him, it was not the same.

“Oh, my God,” the kid said, breaking into a huge grin. “I can’t even believe it. Sir, can I take my picture with you? My mom will never believe it otherwise.”

“Uh.” He exchanged a bemused glance with Bones. “Sure?”

The kid, a cadet from the looks of it, smooshed himself next to Jim and pulled out a little device. He snapped several pictures before he stood back up.

“My mom is a huge, huge fan,” he said. “She’s going to go nuts.”

Jim smiled. “Great. Your name?”

“Oh. Michael, sir. Michael Evans. When Mom was in Starfleet it was her dream to be on the Enterprise serving under you. But I guess, I don’t know, they never thought she was good enough. She won’t believe I actually got to meet you.”

Evans looked over at Bones like he was trying to decide if he knew who Bones was, but he just sort of shrugged and then looked back to Jim.

He suddenly looked very serious. “The sacrifices you made, Captain. Well. You-you’re just a legend. If I could be one-tenth the officer you were one day, it would be such an honor.”

“Thank you, Cadet.”

Evans puffed up and then nodded, grinning. “I won’t take up any more of your time, Captain. This is just-just the best day of my life.”

He hurried away and Jim stared after him, trying to figure out if he was ever that young. He didn’t think so.

“Of his life,” Jim scoffed. “He’s probably twelve.”

“Yeah,” Bones said quietly.

Jim looked over at his tone. But Bones wasn’t looking at him. “What?”

“I’m just a simple country doctor. No one would have cared about me. Why did you-why did you—”

“Hey.” Jim grabbed Bones’ hand. “I cared. I still do. Do you know how many times you’ve saved my life? And Spock’s life. And everyone else’s. There’s never been anything simple about you ever. So fucking what I lost a leg. It’s nothing compared to you.”

Bones squeezed his hand, tears in his eyes. “It’s more than that. You know it is.”

“Maybe it is. But I’d still say you’re way ahead of me on saving lives.”

“And I still say you’re crazy.” But he smiled a little. And it was so much better than the tears. Bones didn’t cry. Not much anyway. He was a rock. And Jim liked him that way.

****

The day was bright and sunny when they stepped out of the shuttle bay in San Francisco, and if Jim held onto Bones’ arm for a little bit, well, they both pretended it was no big deal.

Joanna was waiting for them too. Just outside by a tree. She had grown to be a beautiful woman with long dark hair and hazel eyes to match her dad’s. She was still a little slip of a thing, maybe five six if she was wearing shoes.    

“Daddy! Uncle Jim!” Jo called to them. She wore the biggest smile Jim had ever seen as she flung herself at first Bones and then Jim.

Jim laughed. “You’re going to knock me down.”

“Sorry,” she gasped, not sounding sorry at all, as she threw her arms around him again, squeezing him as hard as she could. “God, I haven’t seen you in ages. And you’re still as handsome as ever.”

Bones cleared his throat.

“Oh, you, too, Daddy.” She shot him a grin.

Bones rolled his eyes. “Even my own kid prefers you.”

She laughed. “Nonsense. Now before I take my two favorite men to the hotel, how about some lunch?”

Jim eyed her. “You buying?”

“Who else?”

“Okay then.” He tried not to look back at the shuttle bay. Tried not to wish he was back on a shuttle headed home.

But most of all, tried not to notice his own gait was off of Jo’s and Bones’, his slight limp appearing particularly noticeable to him today. He got into her hover car without any trouble at least. But it was warm out and he wore a long sleeved shirt that just made him sweat.

“Do you think after you get settled in at the hotel, Uncle Jim, you’d go for a little walk with me?” Jo asked.

The prospect of a walk wasn’t exactly great, but it wasn’t as though he couldn’t do it. Everything was functional, as he’d told Bones.

They passed so many places that were so familiar to him and yet lost…maybe forever. It was like he was reliving a dream. A life he’d had once.

“Sure,” he said, forcing a smile. “Sounds nice.”   


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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“Walk by the piers?” Jo asked, tucking her hand in the crook of Jim’s arm.

Jim couldn’t help but wonder if she thought he needed assistance like some old man. He didn’t comment on it though. Instead he put on the smile he’d been hiding behind for years.

“Sure. Lead the way.”

He had a feeling he knew what she wanted to discuss. Part of it anyway. Well, maybe all of it, to be truthful.

Both were things she brought up every time they talked. It had been a while though. Maybe she would resist. Not likely though.

As the afternoon got later, a breeze had come off the ocean and though the day itself was warm the wind had a chilly bite to it. He went without a coat though, already having to cover his arms with long sleeves. Jo wore what she called a poncho. It was red and green plaid.

“You look great,” Jo said as they walked closer to the piers.

“You don’t have to keep saying that,” he said easily.

She shot him a glance. “You doubt my sincerity?”

“Never. So, tell me about this man of yours.”

She gave him the patented McCoy look which Jim pretended not to notice. She pointed to a cement bench that faced the sea. “There’s a bench. Want to sit?”

“Sit already? We just got started.”

“Just for a bit.” She sat and then patted the spot next to her. She reached into a bag she’d brought when he finally lowered himself.  She took out a thermos. “I brought some coffee.” 

“Maybe _I_ should marry you,” Jim joked.

Joanna laughed as she poured coffee into two cups . “I asked you once. Do you remember?”

He smiled. “Yeah. I remember.”

“Silly girl’s dream.” She handed him a cup with the steaming brew. He noticed it was made the way he liked it. “I always thought…”

“What?”

“That you’d end up with Mister Spock.”

Jim smiled and looked out to sea. And yeah, there was one.  “Yeah. Not meant to be.”

She watched his profile. “Did you-did you ever tell him how you felt?”

There was a time—

 

_Jim wasn’t sure they were going to get out of this one. Three days had already passed in this cell. Three days of torture both he and Spock had experienced. To gain Jim’s cooperation, they had been more  brutal with Spock. His first officer was badly injured and bleeding._

_And Jim was so damn wrapped up in his own head that all he could think of was telling Spock he loved him. It wouldn’t matter anyway. They were going to die. He hadn’t heard anything from the Enterprise. Wasn’t even sure they knew where they were._

_Spock and Uhura had broken up. Jim knew that. Heard the rumors. He still hadn’t done anything about it. But now…_

_“Spock? Spock, I have something to tell you,” Jim whispered in the darkness. He could reach out and touch the Vulcan from where he lay beside him. He did so now, gently resting his fingers on Spock’s upper arm. “It’s just that, I think, maybe, we’re not getting out of this, Spock.”_

_“Captain,” Spock moaned softly._

_“We’ve known each other for years now. And I’m not even sure when it happened, really. It’s just, one day, I realized. You just became the most important being to me. The truth is, I’m in love with you, Spock. And I have been feeling this way, probably since right after we defeated Nero. I couldn’t tell you. God, because you were with Uhura and just, well, so many reasons. Anyway, I don’t even know if it means anything to you at all. But I love  you. So much. Sometimes it’s all I can think about.”_

_Silence._

_“Spock?”_

_Jim shook his gently._

_“Spock? Spock! Oh. God. No. Spock, wake up. Damn it.” Jim desperately grabbed Spock. “Spock!”_

_He heard the soft whine just before their particles broke up. Jim’s relief was overwhelming as they reappeared  on the Enterprise._

_“Bones! Bones, hurry. He’s hurt badly.”_

 

And then, when Spock was saved, there had been absolutely no indication he’d ever heard what Jim said. If he did, he chose to pretend otherwise. But Jim felt he had not. Uhura had reconciled with Spock while he’d still been in the medbay.  

Not long after that had been the accident on Janus VIII that had nearly killed Bones and maimed Jim.

Then, well, things changed for all of them. The whole crew.

Jim had been still in his wheelchair when he’d attended Spock and Uhura’s wedding. He’d smiled and wished them well like a good friend was supposed to do. Fortunately he’d been spared any bonding ceremony because he hadn’t been well enough to travel to New Vulcan.

Now, he sipped his coffee, and shrugged at Jo. “No. I never did. The chance never came.”

Joanna looked unbearably sad, which was so wrong. He hated that anyone felt sorry for him. It was bullshit. He didn’t want that.

“You know, I never thanked you for Daddy.” And there was the other. Joanna was pretty predictable. 

Jim snorted at that. “Yeah, you did. Repeatedly.”

“Well. I mean, sure, when it first happened. But since. He wouldn’t even be here to walk me down the aisle if it weren’t for you.” She hung her head, her hair falling into her eyes. “You’re my hero.”

“Joanna,” he said gently. He set his cup down and took hold her small hand in his. “I’m nobody’s hero.  I just happened to be there at the right time to help him. He would have done the same for me. And has so many times. He’s a terrific doctor, just as you will be one day, and honestly, if anyone’s a hero, it’s your dad.”

Her eyes were wet as she looked at him but she did smile. “Somehow I knew you would deflect it from you. You always do that. Daddy used to say you did, but it took me a long time to realize he’s exactly right. You hate talking about yourself.”

“Jo—”

She leaned over and hugged him. “Just know that I think you’re the greatest. And I’m so glad you’re coming to the wedding.”

“How could I miss it?” He pulled out of her embrace. And then patted her leg. “So, tell me about Mister Wonderful. Oh, wait, Doctor Wonderful.”

“Why don’t we walk again?” Her gaze went to his leg. “You’re up to it?”

“Yep. Works fine. The hip sometimes stiffens up, but otherwise, I’m good as new.” He did the smile again and it seemed to convince her. She stood and he did too as she took his now empty cup and returned it to her bag.

Joanna grabbed his arm again. “His name is Henry. Henry Parker. And he’s ever so smart.”

“He picked you, didn’t he?”

“Actually I picked him, more likely. He’s joining us for dinner tonight. You will come, right?”

“Uh—”

“Please.” She gave him a mock pout. “Daddy will behave himself better if you’re around.” She tugged him along. “Henry’s very handsome. Not like, you of course.”

“Of course.”

“But anyway, he’s from Iowa. Not Riverside, but still—”

Jim smiled in all the right places and commented when he was supposed to comment, or he thought so anyway. She acted like he was doing it correctly. But he hated every minute of it. He just wanted to go home. Back to his farmhouse where no one looked at him funny or called him a hero. And where he could almost pretend that the front door would open and Spock would walk in, his arms full of firewood, like he was Jim’s instead of…

“Uncle Jim?”

He smiled again. “You were saying?” 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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>  [](https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-L8vlFMNx3n0/WXEOiV6oX5I/AAAAAAAACMg/qgkH_HURBMART6l1lLm-RT87ECYh9h9GQCLcBGAs/s1600/150058170794338.bmp)   
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“What time does this guy arrive?” Jim asked as he tossed the salad in a big wooden bowl in their hotel room.

Bones had chosen a hotel that included a kitchen for his stay and of course Jim was just tagging along.

Bones tasted the spaghetti sauce. “This guy is Henry. And he’s Jo’s fiancé.”

“Yeah, yeah, she told me his name.”

“Probably be here any minute. Check on the garlic bread, will you?”

They had decided to make dinner for Joanna and her fiancé rather than going out. Well, Bones had decided. Once he took one look at Jim’s face at the prospect of going out.

It wasn’t that Jim never went out. He did. They’d gone to that steak place in Riverside when Bones was out. But everyone in Riverside knew him and he knew everyone. Well, practically. But whatever the case, they knew enough to leave him alone. San Francisco was a Starfleet town and everyone, it seemed, knew Jim Kirk. It was hard to go anywhere without someone approaching him. And they all wanted to act like he should either walk on water or crawl into a hole to hide.  He wasn’t sure which was more offensive.

Jim went to the oven and opened it, a blast of heated air hitting him in the face as he bent over. For a minute he froze, remembering all too well how it felt to have his arm engulfed by flames. This was not it. Not even close, but still the heat—

“Jim?”

“Yeah. Looks good. Needs another few minutes.” He straightened and closed the door. He smiled because Bones was looking at him with far too much of his assessing doctor look.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Do I need to change?” Jim looked down at his loose fitting jeans and blue Henley. He wore flip flops on his feet.

“Nah, you’re okay. It’s pretty informal.”

Jim leaned against the counter. “You like this guy?”

“I do. He’s pretty solid. Has a great record as a physician and is near the top of the class at the academy. He’s a good choice for her.”

“And he treats her all right?”

Bones snorted. “Would I like him if he didn’t?” He went to the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of bourbon. “Stuff to make spaghetti wasn’t all I bought at the store.” He took down two glasses. “You want some, yeah?”

“Sure.”

Bones’ hand shook a little as he poured and Jim certainly didn’t fail to notice. There was a frailness there under the surface that hadn’t been there before. He seemed almost defeated to Jim. A defeated Bones wasn’t something Jim wanted to think about or dwell on.

Bones handed him the bourbon. They clinked glasses and each took a drink.

“What have you been up to there in Georgia, Bones?”

Bones set his glass down on the counter. He went back to stirring the sauce. “Nothing much. I put in a few hours at the hospital. Can’t seem to stay away from being a doctor. Of course they contacted me.”

“Who?”

“Starfleet. Wanted to know if I wanted to be chief medical officer on the Excelsior.”

Jim’s lips curved as he took another sip of bourbon. “Yeah? When was this?”

“Couple years back. Asked me if I wanted to un-retire.”

“I’m guessing you said take that and put it where the sun don’t shine.”

Bones chuckled. “You got that right. Told them I wouldn’t be anyone’s CMO but yours.”

Jim smiled faintly.

Bones glanced at him, but he said nothing. What was there to say anyway?

“You could go back if you wanted,” Jim said softly.

“Nope. They bug you ever?”

“Not anymore. They got tired of me ignoring their messages, I guess. I’m good at sending people away by that method.” He went over to the bottle and poured himself more. “The last thing I want is some desk job.”

“Maybe they could re-evaluate you for active duty.”

“That’s all over.”

Bones opened his mouth as though to argue, but then closed it and nodded.

There was a knock at the door and Jim couldn’t help but think ‘saved by the bell’.

They both left the kitchen, Bones reaching the door first.

Joanna stood there looking pretty in pink, literally, as she worse a pale pink floor length dress that made Jim think Bones was lying when he said Jim shouldn’t change. Henry, or Jim assumed it was him, was dressed in navy dress pants and a blue dress shirt. He was easily three or four inches taller than Jim and he had warm mocha skin and a ready smile which he flashed as Joanna drew him over to Jim.

“Henry, this is my uncle, Jim,” Joanna said. She kissed Jim’s cheek. “Well, you know. Adopted uncle. He and Daddy are practically brothers.”

Henry’s smile widened as he carefully shook Jim’s hand. “Yes, I know. I know all about your history, sir. And that of Leonard’s, of course.”

“Do you?” Jim murmured.

“Yes, sir. I’m a great admirer of you and the Enterprise. Besides learning about you at the academy, I’ve done extra research on the Enterprise and her missions.”

“Henry did a paper on the Enterprise,” Joanna said, her eyes glowing as he looked at her fiancé.

“That’s great,” Jim said politely.

“And may I say, sir, Captain, your heroics are legendary. Your defeat of Nero that saved Earth, your sacrificing your own life to save your ship and the lives of your crew, and of course Yorktown as well as—”

“Yeah, thank you, Henry,” Jim interrupted. “I appreciate it.”

Henry looked slightly embarrassed. “Of course you were there, so you know all about it. Sorry, sir."

“That’s quite all right. Drink?”

Jim tried his damnedest not to limp as he headed into the kitchen for the bourbon. His hip was bothering him a little since he’d been on his feet a lot that day.

“Jo?”

“Yes, please.”

He poured them both glasses and then handed them out.

“We’re having salad, spaghetti, and garlic bread,” Bones said when they’d all fallen silent.

“Sounds really great,” Henry said with the enthusiasm of youth. He cleared his throat. “Captain, if I could, maybe, speak with you later about that last mission, it’s just that there are a few details that I—”

“You know, I need some air,” Jim announced. “Excuse me?”

He walked past them hurriedly, not bothering to hide the limp now as he flung open the sliding glass door leading on to the room’s balcony. The wind whipped up in his face, hitting with a blast of cool air that felt good against his heated face. He stumbled over to the railing and inhaled.

One

Two

Three

Four

“Jim.”

The door closed behind Bones.

“Sorry,” he whispered. “It’s just…I’m not a hero.”

Bones approached him at the railing, his eyes searching, evaluating Jim. “You are to him. To them. He doesn’t mean anything by it.”

“I know.” He looked away.

“It’s meaningful to them, Jim. You saved my life.”

“I know, Bones. But I-I didn’t save-save everyone.” He turned to face Bones. “I still see his face, you know. I was looking right at him when he realized he was going to die, that I wasn’t going to save him.”

“Jim—”

“I’d give anything for Chekov to be here right now instead of me.” He covered his face with his hand. “It should have been me to make the sacrifice. Not him.”

“Jim, I know you feel—”

“No,” Jim said sharply. He lowered his hand. “I was his captain. I should have saved him. This arm, this leg, that’s all part of my failure, Bones.”

“It’s because it was Chekov. Because he was someone you were close to. He admired you. I get that, Jim. I miss him too. But you can’t save every member of your crew.”

Jim laughed and looked away again. “I know. I fucking know that.”

“What you have is survivor’s guilt.”

“No.” Jim turned on him again. “What _you_ have is survivor’s guilt. I was supposed to go down with the ship. When that shuttle went, it should have been me instead of him. And now I live with that.”

Bones sighed and grabbed Jim’s arms. “That’s the definition of survivor’s guilt, Jim.”

“Whatever.” He closed his eyes and then when he opened them again, he tried out a smile. “I’m sorry I lost my shit in there. It’s just, to him, to that kid, it’s just a story to get right in his paper. And it’ll never be that to me. Never.”

“Yeah, he’ll back off, Jim. I told him.”

Jim hugged Bones, patting his back. “I’m good. Okay? Let’s go back in there and make nice.”

“If you’re sure.”

“Of course I am.”

Henry was waiting for them when they got back inside. He looked stricken. “Sir, Captain, I’m really sorry—”

“Forget it, kid. And my name is Jim.” He took Henry’s hand and shook it again. “I think dinner’s about ready. Why don’t we sit? You can tell me all about which part of Iowa you’re from.”

Henry exchanged a tentative look with Joanna, who smiled encouragingly. “Yes, sir. I mean, Jim. I’d like that.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Zo4dWCTkLZk/WXIwfXPwiAI/AAAAAAAACMo/_KIiFrrE8l8XCCdJUEcPLb0HDaKwW7bUQCLcBGAs/s1600/Alice.jpg)   
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Jim stopped outside the high-rise building, craning his neck to study all that glass and steel. Now that he was here, he thought it was likely a mistake. Almost certainly.

“You sure about this, Jim?” Bones asked from beside him, almost like his conscience speaking up.

“No.” He shrugged a little. “But she’s expecting me.”

Bones had his hand on Jim’s arm. He was studying Jim again in that odd mixture of doctor and best friend. But the thing was, Jim was starting to realize something. He’d thought when first he saw Bones again that Bones was holding on to him for Jim’s sake. Because he thought maybe Jim needed assistance or something. But over the last few days it had started to occur to Jim that maybe the one who needed assistance was actually Bones.

And wasn’t that something to think about.

“We can contact her and say never mind,” Bones said, speaking in his softest voice. “And you can come with Joanna and me.”

Jim shook his head. “I think you two need this day together. The wedding’s tomorrow. This is your last time to just be father and daughter with no husband, no children, none of that. I’m good, all right? I can do this.”

“Yeah,” Bones agreed with a nod. “Maybe you are.”

Jim felt the need to embrace Bones, so he did. “We’re quite the pair, right?” he murmured next to Bones’ ear.

“We sure are.” Bones patted his back and stepped back. “Okay. I’ll see you later?”  

“You will.”

Jim watched Bones walk away toward the hover car and Joanna. He waited until they’d pulled away and out of sight before he went through the automatic doors into the building.

Last night, after a few too many bourbons, he’d been compelled to make contact. It seemed the thing to do then. But in the light of a sober day, not so much.

He got into the lift and directed it to the twenty-first floor.

Her apartment was number fourteen, which the sign on the floor as he stepped off the lift indicated it was on the right, so he went that way.

He made himself tap on the door.

The door opened almost immediately, as though she was expecting him, and of course, she was. Her blonde hair was longer now but otherwise she hadn’t changed much that Jim could tell.

“Jim,” Carol exclaimed, pulling him inside and hugging him tight, as though she actually were glad to see him. “It’s been so long.”

“Yeah it has. But you look great.”

She loosened her grip on him and touched her hand to his face. “So do you. You need a little bit of a shave though.”

“Yeah.” He laughed. “I’ll shave tomorrow for the wedding.”

“So Leonard’s little girl is getting married,” Carol said as she let go of Jim entirely. “Time goes so fast, doesn’t it?”

She indicated the dining room table which was set with plates and cups and saucers and a coffee carafe. There was a basket of croissants and a bowl of cut up fruit. She’d clearly been preparing for him and he was glad he hadn’t flaked on her after all.

“Coffee?” she asked, as Jim sat at the table.

“Please.” He added cream to the cup she gave him and then reached for a croissant as she took her seat across from him. “This is a nice place.”

“Thank you. We like it.”

Jim glanced around, his stomach feeling vaguely queasy. “So. Uh. Where is he?”

“At school.” She eyed him over her cup. “I wouldn’t have him here, Jim.”

His stomach flipped. “No. I know.”

“He doesn’t know,” Carol said. “And he never will. That was our agreement. Alan’s the only father David’s ever known. Ever going to know.”

Jim nodded.

Carol sighed. “You didn’t want to be a father. You made that crystal clear.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “It doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets. I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us and that you decided to leave.”

“I was too at the time,” she admitted. “But it worked out very well for me. I have my son and a wonderful husband.”

Jim smiled. “I’m really happy for you.” He paused, taking a sip of the coffee. “Can I see a picture?”

She returned his smile “Of course.”

Carol rose from her seat and went over to a table in the living room that contained several framed holo pictures. She picked one up and brought it over to the table, handing it to Jim.

The face of a blond haired, blue-eyed boy smiled at him from a family photograph of David, Carol, and her husband, Alan. David sat between them.

For a moment as Jim stared at his biological son he could barely breathe. He was a beautiful little child, almost the spitting image of his mama. Which, Jim decided, was entirely appropriate. He hoped the child managed to avoid all the bad things from both the Kirks and the Marcus’. With Alan as his father, Jim figured he certainly had a better chance than if Jim had gotten a hold of him.

Jim set the picture down. “He’s great. You guys look very happy.”

She smiled gently. “We are.”

He’d told himself when he decided to go through with coming there that morning that the one place he would not go was…where he was about to go. And short of biting his own tongue off, he knew the words were going to spill from his mouth, no matter how he might wish to stop them.

“Do you-do you keep in touch with Uhura still?”

“Oh, of course! Yes. I see Nyota all the time.”

“See her?”

Carol nodded as she picked up a piece of watermelon. “She’s teaching communications at the academy now.”

“She’s—they’re in San Francisco?”

She gave him a puzzled look. “Nyota is, yes.”

Jim blinked several times, processing the information. They had intended to live on New Vulcan. He knew that. “What about…Spock?”

Carol shrugged. “I don’t really know but I suppose he’s on New Vulcan.”

“But-but don’t they—”

God, the memories were burned into his brain.

When Spock had regained consciousness after Jim’s love confession, it had seemed clear to Jim that Spock had no recollection of what Jim had told him. Jim Kirk was no coward, not much anyway, so he had decided he would rectify that by telling Spock he loved him again.

 

_“Hey, Bones, how’s Spock doing?”_

_“Better,” Bones said looking up from his tricorder as he stood by Ensign Wayer’s biobed. “You can go see him. Uhura’s with him now.”_

_“Oh. Okay.” Well, his confession would have to wait. He knew Spock and Uhura had maintained their friendship after they’d broken up. He rounded the corner on his way to Spock’s biobed and stopped in his tracks._

_Uhura sat on the biobed, leaning over and kissing Spock passionately. Spock had his hand curled around the back of her head._

_Jim’s chest suddenly felt like it was burning._

_Uhura noticed him and pulled back from their kiss first. She smiled at Jim. “Captain! Look at our patient. He’s doing so much better.”_

_“I see that,” Jim forced himself to say. “How are you feeling, Mister Spock?_

_“I am well enough to be released, Captain.”_

_He smiled. His face might break, but he smiled. “You’ll have to argue with Bones about that.”_

_Uhura reached for Spock’s hand. Her face was practically glowing. “Captain. We have news.”_

_“Oh?”_

_She looked at Spock. “Do you want to tell him or should I?”_

_Spock’s lips curved ever so slightly. “Nyota and I are expecting a child together.”_

_Uhura grinned. “Yes. I’d had the symptoms, but I hadn’t realized. Christine confirmed it for me.”_

_“With your permission, Captain,” Spock said, looking entirely unaware of the turmoil inside Jim, “we plan to marry as soon as we are able.”_

_“And of course, bond on New Vulcan,” Uhura added. She rested her hand on her stomach._

_“As time permits us to make the journey,” Spock added softly._

_“That’s really great news,” Jim said, his fingers curling into the palms of his hands. “Congratulations. I’m happy for you.”_

_“Bridge to Captain Kirk,” Sulu’s voice came over the comm._

_Jim went to the wall and pushed the button. “Kirk here.”_

_“Distress signal, Captain._ _Janus VIII. Priority. They’re under unknown attack. Request immediate assistance.”_

_“Janus VIII can only be reached by shuttle craft,” Spock said from his biobed._

_Jim nodded. “Mister Sulu make the preparations, I’m on my way.”_

 

“And after the divorce—”

“Wait.” Jim stared at Carol. “What?”

“Divorce.” Carol shook her head. “Jim. How do you not know about the divorce?”

“When?”

“God, it’s been four years now.”

“Four…years,” he repeated. His head was surely about to explode.

“I thought Spock would have told you, surely.”

Jim frowned, pushing away the coffee that was souring his stomach. “I…haven’t kept in touch.” He licked his lips. “Um. Who-who has custody of—”

Carol gasped, her hand going to her mouth. “Oh Jim!’

“What? What?”

Her eyes filled with tears. “Their-their son died when he was three months old.”

_Fuck me._

_God._

_Spock._

“I didn’t know,” Jim whispered. His heart was pounding and spots appeared before his eyes. And his lungs. His lungs. Oh, God. Not now.

“Jim? Jim?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, yeah, I used her picture for this chapter instead of Jim.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y5AgziiQifY/WXYxKBmntGI/AAAAAAAACN4/OpJ_VF4psUwcE2Sr_iQpuT-eTs4u66t3wCLcBGAs/s1600/KARLU.jpg)   
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He opened his eyes to find his head was resting in Carol’s lap on the floor.

“Jim.” She touched his cheek with her fingertips. “Help is on the way.”

Jim scrunched up his face. “What? Help?”

“Yes. I’ve called emergency services.”

Jim pulled away from her hold on him and rose from the floor.

“What are you doing?” Carol gaped at him.

“I’m fine. I don’t need help.”

“But you passed out.” She struggled to her feet. She rested her hand on his arm. “Jim, I’m concerned.”

“Don’t be. It was just-just a shock. I’m fine. And I really need to be going.” He headed for the door of her apartment, determined to leave before those she called arrived.

His head was buzzing with a hundred thoughts. None of them good.

How the fuck could he not know about Spock’s child?

The answer was obvious.

And at that moment, Jim hated himself more than usual.

He turned the knob on the door.

“But what about emergency services?” Carol called as she hurried after him.

“Sorry. Cancel them?” Jim paused at the door, taking her in.

The thing was, Jim was pretty sure he was never going to see her again. Once, years ago, they’d run hot and heavy for a time. Mere months, really. And on his part it had been because he’d thought he could never have who he really wanted, which was shitty to her.  And his dreams of being with Spock had been nothing, after all, as he knew now, but then, at that time, there had still been a glimmer of hope, even when she’d revealed her pregnancy.

“Carol, I…” He shook his head. Now was not the time for regrets related to then. To them, really. They’d made their peace. Or Jim thought they had. He was pretty sure Carol had anyway. She’d loved him once. He was certain of that. “Hey.”

“What?” she asked, her expression one of puzzlement.

He swallowed heavily. So many memories suddenly invading his mind. “David.”

“What about him?”

“Do me a favor,” he said softly. He stroked his thumb across her cheek. “Keep him away from Klingons.”

Jim left then, without waiting for her to say anything or even to see her reaction. He took the stairs to avoid running into the emergency services people on the lift, but regretted it on the second set of stairs when his hip stiffened up and he had to go much slower than he should have been able to do.

His leg worked. Sure. But it was not like it was before. No matter how many doctors had tried to tell him otherwise.

When he made it outside, it was to notice the day had turned from sun to ever increasing cloudiness. He was supposed to comm Bones to come and get him when he was done with Carol, but he found that at the moment Bones was the last person he wanted to see right then.

Had Bones known about Spock’s child? Or about the divorce? Would he keep something like that from Jim? Maybe. If Bones thought it was for Jim’s own good.

And so he walked. And walked. Trying to ignore the pain in his hip that radiated down to his thigh.

It was Uhura who’d come to him in the hospital after his recovery. Well, during it. He still lay in a hospital, trying not to look at the missing half of his leg. Endless visitors had been by to see him. Trying to cheer him up when there was no cheer.

 

_Uhura leaned over to kiss his cheek. Her eyes were wet and red-rimmed, and she seemed to struggle to keep the tears from flowing onto her cheeks._

_“You look good,” she whispered. And he ignored the way her voice faltered on the word good. “How-how do you feel?”_

_He gave her his standard reply, “Fine. I feel fine.”_

_Her gaze went to his bandaged right arm but it didn’t linger there. “The…memorial for Pavel is tomorrow. And Jenkins and Liddell too. Did you-do you want to go?”_

_“M’Benga told me,” Jim said. “I guess, um, I guess they’ve made arrangements for someone to take me.”_

_“Captain,” she said softly. “Spock and I talked. And because of everything, the last thing either of us want is a big, lavish ceremony. We just want something quiet here on Earth. I know Spock really wants you to be there. We both do and—”_

_“I’ll be there.”_

_“The bonding—”_

_And at that Jim shook his head. There was such pain in his heart that his arm and missing leg meant nothing at the moment. Spock and Kirk from the other timeline shared a bond. They’d been together. Jim knew this. That had been partly why he’d held on to hope long after he should have abandoned it._

_“I doubt I’ll be cleared for travel for quite some time,” Jim told her. “I’m probably going to have to miss that.”_

_She nodded then, the tears she’d been trying to hold back leaking down her cheeks, and Jim had a brief nasty thought of what the hell did she have to cry for? She had Spock._

_But he held back the words, if not the thought._

_“Do you need anything?” she asked then, reaching for his left hand and holding it._

_“No, I’m good.”_

 

He found himself standing outside a teashop and it was familiar. One he was pretty sure Spock had been to and maybe Jim had even been to it with him. There were a few months between his recovery after Khan and when the Enterprise would be ready again and during that time his friendship with Spock had expanded. They’d had tea and meals and just developed camaraderie that had given Jim ideas he had no right to have.

He’d almost told Spock then about his feelings. But there was always some reason not to do it.

Jim wandered into the teashop and got himself tea and sat at a table way in the back.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized he really was a horrible person.

After the wedding, he’d refused all contact with Spock. Because-because he couldn’t handle it like a goddamn adult. Spock had sent him numerous messages. Jim had ignored them. He couldn’t deal with the thought of Spock forever with her and having a child, so he shut it all down.

And eventually, like everyone else, Spock gave up on him.

Jim didn’t even blame him anymore.

The truth hit him hard.

He’d never had a right to the way he felt. About Spock. About them. About them getting married. Spock had never been his and was never going to be his. No matter what happened anywhere else.

When he’d met Spock, he had already been with Uhura. The entire time he’d known them they were together, except for a few stray months, and it had absolutely nothing to do with him.

He was Spock’s friend. And only his friend. And unfortunately, Jim couldn’t even do _that_ right.

Jim had made their wedding, their child, all about him. His pain. His torment. They’d never set out to hurt him. Because he didn’t factor into any of it.

He really was as big of a shit as everyone always said he was.

Jim didn’t know how long he sat there by himself not drinking his tea, which had long since gotten cold. But he finally rose and made his way through the city and back to the hotel where he was staying with Bones.

As soon as he walked into the room, Bones appeared, looking pale and haggard.

“Where the hell have you been?” Bones demanded.

“Uh. Out. Sorry.”

“Sorry? I’ve been trying to contact you all day.”

Jim felt his pocket. “Oh. I. I think I left my communicator at Carol’s.”

“You did. She had it sent here.” Bones handed it to him.

“ _Bones_.”

“What?” Bones asked, suddenly wary. He took a step back and Jim realized he didn’t look good at all. And he’d been drinking. A lot from the look of it.

“Did you know Spock and Uhura are divorced?”

Bones blinked at him. “Divorced? No. When?”

“Four years ago. And-and…damn it, Bones. Their kid _died_. Did you know _that_?”

Bones paled even further if that were possible. “No,” he whispered. “No.”

Jim didn’t know what to think of that, so he just stood in the front hallway of the hotel room and stared at Bones. “Why not?”

“Because I didn’t keep in touch with them!” Bones looked away. “Or any of them. But you. And even you…”

“It was sporadic.” Jim watched Bones sort of shrink into himself. “Why didn’t you?”

“You-you don’t want to know.”

“Bones?”

“Ever-ever since that day,” Bones whispered. “I need a drink.” He walked away from Jim and back toward the kitchen. Jim followed him and watched him pour from a nearly full bottle.

“Is that a new bottle?”

“What of it?” Bones closed his eyes as he took a drink. “I’ve been in and out of hospitals, Jim.”

He frowned. “Hospitals? Were you injured?”

Bones snorted. Took another drink. “ _Mental_ hospitals, my genius friend.”

Jim sucked in a breath. “What?”

“You really don’t know, do you?” Bones asked, his voice angry. “You think you’re the only one who wishes you saved Pavel instead of me?”

“Bones—”

“Well, you aren’t.” Bones’ eyes filled with tears. “If you had let me die instead of choosing to save me, that kid would still be alive and you wouldn’t be missing your damn leg. It was my time, Jim. You should have let me have it.”

“I…it wasn’t. God, Bones. It wasn’t your time,” Jim said, his voice cracking. “How can you event think that?”

“How can I not think that? The price paid to save me was too damn high, Jim.” He finished his drink and reached to pour another.

“You-you’ve probably had enough of that.”

Bones shook his head. “Fuck you.”

He watched as his friend took the bottle of bourbon from the counter and walked away toward his bedroom.

Had he really let this happen?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KFZOH3ebTZc/WXjxqjZGuFI/AAAAAAAACOQ/vEeTFeC2WXgmAE1VyBlsdnrKhKOTDHXnQCLcBGAs/s1600/McKirk.jpg)   
>    
> 
> 
>   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not entirely satisfied with the picture but it was hard to find a decent one with the two of them where they weren't in uniform

Jim tapped on the bedroom door Bones had disappeared through. When there was no answer, as he suspected there would not be, he opened it anyway.

Bones sat on the edge of his bed, face in his hands. Empty bottle laying on the floor beside him.

“Leonard.”

Bones sighed through his hands. “I must be in trouble if you resort to my actual name.”

“I brought you some mashed potatoes.”

His friend lowered his hands and turned to look at him. His face was pale and pasty and his eyes bloodshot. “You what now?”

Jim shrugged. “When I was a little kid it was my favorite comfort food.”

He walked over to the bed and sat down next to Bones, handing him the bowl of potatoes with brown gravy and a spoon.

“You know. Um. After every time Frank beat on me. I’d make myself potatoes.”

Bones eyed him. “He’s gone huh? Dead?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah.”

“Because otherwise, I think I’d have to kill him myself,” Bones muttered. But he stuck the spoon in the bowl. 

“When I came back from…you know…well anyway…for two weeks straight that’s all I would eat.”

“Didn’t you get sick of them?”

“Not really. Mom finally convinced me to eat some protein.” Jim kicked the bottle away with his foot. Bones watched him.

“I’m sorry.”

Jim smiled a little. “For what?”

“The things I said out there.”

“They were the way you feel, can’t blame you for that.”

Bones snorted. He took a bite. “This is really good, by the way.”

“I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“I don’t really know how I feel anymore,” Bones admitted. He took a few more bites of the potatoes. “Want to go down to the bar with me?”

Jim frowned. “Uh—”

“Not to drink,” Bones said in a rush. He set the bowl down on the nightstand. “Come on. I’ll show you.”

Jim followed Bones out of the room and then out of the hotel room to the lift.

Bones looked at him as they rode down. “How much have you eaten today?”

“I had some potatoes just like you,” Jim assured him.

The door opened to the lobby and they headed for the hotel bar. Jim still had an uneasy feeling. Bones shouldn’t be drinking anymore. But when they entered the bar, Bones only gave a little wave to the bartender.

“Hey, Herb. Do you mind?”

“No, go ahead.” The bartender waved a rag somewhere toward the back of the bar.

Jim followed Bones to a grand piano. Bones sat on the bench and patted the small spot next to him on the bench.

As Jim sat, completely confused, Bones suddenly began to play a song that sounded very familiar but he couldn’t quite place it.

“I didn’t know you play the piano,” he blurted out.

“Yep.”

Jim listened for a bit. Struck by how fantastic Bones was. “How come?”

“How come what?”

“You never played during the academy. Or any time. You never told me.”

“It’s been a while since I have,” Bones admitted. “My mother taught me.”

“Yeah?”

“She said if I was going to be in science and medicine and all that like my dad, I needed to learn something artistic too.”

Jim stared at Bones’ hands. “What song is that?”

“Clair de lune. It was her favorite.”

“It’s beautiful. You don’t talk about her much.”

“No,” Bones agreed.

“You’re a really high functioning alcoholic,” Jim commented.

“Thanks,” Bones said dryly. “I’m practicing. So I can play tomorrow at the reception.”

“You’re playing?” Jim shook his head, surprised. “Hey. Whatever happened between you and Jocelyn?”

Bones shrugged. “She liked somebody better than me.”

Jim watched Bones for a long time, just studying his expression. Then he said quietly, “There is nobody better than you.”

“She thought otherwise.” Bones glanced his way. “Anyway, you want to be with me?”

Jim laughed at that. “That’s gross. Like incest.”

“You’re stupid.”

“No, you’re stupid.”

Bones smiled and nudged Jim’s shoulder. “I missed this. You.”

Jim didn’t even bother to try to stop the lump from forming in his throat. “Yeah. I suck. So wrapped up in my own fucking head.”

“Can’t blame you. You’ve had a lot to deal with.”

Jim shook his head. “Even after she left, did you still love her?”

“Yeah. For a long time I did. I don’t know, Jimmy. I think some part of me did all the way until she died. When I heard, it hurt. It still hurt.” Bones looked away. “Still does.”

“Why is there so much pain in love anyway?” Jim asked. “It’s supposed to bring you joy, right? But it never did anyone I’ve ever known.”

Bones stopped playing and turned toward Jim. “I didn’t know about them. I would have told you if I had.”

“I know. I guess…she’s here. In San Francisco. Teaches at the academy.”

“Carol tell you?”

“Yeah.”

“You get to see David?”

Jim found himself smiling faintly but without any humor. “No. Never wants me to see him ever.”

“Bitch,” Bones muttered.

“Nah. It’s on me, not her. I’m a horrible person. Think I should go see her?”

Bones frowned. “Carol again?”

“No. Uhura.”

“I don’t know. Anything on Spock?”

“No. Carol said she thinks he’s on New Vulcan.” Jim looked at his clenched fingers. “Anyway, I’m sure…”

“I always knew, you know,” Bones said softly.

Jim looked up. “Knew?”

“How you felt about him.”

“Did you?”

“Oh you hid it pretty well from most everyone. But me? I’m your brother. I knew.”

Jim closed his eyes briefly. “Better brother than my real brother. And me? I’m the worst.” He opened his eyes and met Bones’ gaze. “Did you?”

For a long time Bones didn’t answer and Jim was afraid he’d deflect or not admit he knew exactly what Jim was asking.

Bones turned back to the keys and began to play another song. “Yeah, I did.”

“How?”

“Pills. Neighbor found me. And I’m grateful.”

Jim felt the sting of tears. “Me too.”

“You probably think I’m an asshole for taking the gift you gave me of life and then trying to throw it away.”

“I’ve never thought you were an asshole.”

Bones snorted.

“Okay. Well yeah I have.” Jim grinned, even as his eyes still burned with unshed tears. “I don’t about that.”

Bones continued to play and then said, “Remember when those Vians wanted you to choose between me and Spock?”

“Yes,” Jim said softly. “I offered myself instead.”

“I know. I wanted to strangle you,” Bones said with a grimace. “Fortunately they said no. Who would you have chosen, do you think?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m glad I didn’t have to pick.”

Bones nodded. “Who do you choose? Your brother or the hobgoblin you love.”

“Bones.” He rolled his eyes. “Listen. About the alcohol—”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

Bones sighed and closed the lid over the keys. “Knowing and doing something about it are two different things.”

“You could come stay with me. I’ll help you.”

“To Riverside?”

“Why not?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, Jim, you’re kind of a fucked up mess yourself.” Bones gestured to Jim, waving his hand up and down Jim’s body.

Jim scowled.

Bones bumped his shoulder again. “Let’s get through the wedding. What comes next? I don’t know.”

“You look like hell by the way. Jo will have a fit if she sees you like this. We have to sober you up and you have to get a good night’s sleep.”

“You think so, Doctor Kirk?”

“Uh-huh. But first? Play Clair de lune again, would you?”

Bones smiled and turned back to the piano. “You’re a sap, Jimbo.”

“Duh.” Jim leaned his head against Bones’ shoulder, closing his eyes as he listed to Bones play. “How did we get so wrong, Leonard?”

“I don’t know, Jim. I don’t know.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> [](https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vU-OOMaorGo/WYNFvANFYzI/AAAAAAAACPk/sZutI4hSZpg4kTnTieb5wOjGJI6dWHSrwCLcBGAs/s1600/piccp.bmp)  
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After making sure Bones was up, out of bed and in the shower in the morning and not suffering too much from a hangover, Jim messaged Joanna to let her know she could come by and get her father for their planned breakfast before the wedding.

_You’re coming right?_

_I’ve got something quick to do, but I’ll see you later._

He knew he probably disappointed her, but if he planned to return to Riverside tomorrow morning, this would likely be his only opportunity.

Before he departed, making sure Bones was still in the shower, Jim searched the hotel room for any more liquor bottles. He found one and he disposed of it. Sure, Bones wouldn’t have too much trouble if he really wanted to secure another, but Jim had to try.

He caught a hover cab across town on the other side of the bridge, where, apparently, she lived now. He’d made contact with her first to see if it was all right. She hadn’t had much to say other than…yes.

If he’d wanted to linger a few days in San Francisco, he would have just as likely gone to the Academy to see her rather than where she lived. He didn’t relish invading her personal space. But he had to see her. Or he thought he did anyway.

He told the hover cab to wait and got out at the address she’d provided.

She lived in a little bungalow just below a hill covered in wildflowers. Her front yard was green and lush and surrounded by exotic flora and fauna. Some he knew and some he didn’t know. The yard had a little wooden fence and he carefully opened the gate and went up the walk way.

It didn’t much seem like her kind of a place, Jim thought, but then, what did he ever really know about Nyota Uhura?

A muscular guy with shoulder length hair and a beard answered the door and for a moment he thought he had the wrong house.

“Kirk, right?”

“Yeah.”

The guy nodded. “She’s waiting for you on the back patio.” He gestured as he Jim in. “Back there.”

It hadn’t occurred to Jim that she’d have someone new in her life and yet he wasn’t sure why it hadn’t. Maybe because Jim had been convinced it was impossible to ever really get over Spock. But that could be just him.

She was seated on a lounge chair holding a glass of what looked like lemonade. Her hair, still worn long, was braided down her back. She wore a colorful flowy dress. She rose and came to him, embracing him in the way one did when they see an old friend and aren’t really sure they wanted to.

Jim hugged her back and smiled. “You look fantastic.”

Her gaze went to his leg, like everyone’s did, and then she raised her dark eyes to him. “You look pretty good yourself. Lemonade?”

“Sure.”

She poured him a glass, returned to her lounge chair and pointed out a hardwood chair beside her. Jim lowered himself into it.

Okay, it was about as awkward as he feared it would be.

“I didn’t even know you were in the city,” Uhura said after a moment of silence between then.

“Bones’ daughter is getting married.”

“Joanna? That’s nice.”

He wondered a little about Bones not inviting her, but then he remembered Bones had admitted he hadn’t kept in touch with Uhura or…

“Listen, I…I’m sorry I haven’t been in contact with you since—” Jim let it trail off.

“We left Earth for New Vulcan,” she said softly. “Yes, I know. Spock told me you didn’t respond to any of his messages.”

“I…yeah. I’m so sorry about your son.”

Her eyes clouded over and she looked away. “We had him for three months. He was so sweet and happy.”

“What happened?” he blurted out before he could stop himself, and then he felt himself turn red and heated.

She seemed surprised and angry by the question, but after a moment she said, “He fell and hit his head. He never woke up.”

Jim swallowed heavily. “I’m so sorry.”

“Want to see him?” Uhura rose without waiting for a response and slipped inside the house.

Jim gripped the glass of lemonade hard.

She returned a minute later and handed him a holo pic of a tiny baby with dark curly hair, big brown eyes, and very slightly pointed ears. Jim figured it was a testament to his strength that he didn’t start bawling right then.

“He-he was beautiful.”

“You know, there were those who said I got pregnant with him because I had sensed that Spock was about to break things off with me,” she said. “But when I told him about the baby, I told him it didn’t need to change our breakup, that I would still allow him in the baby’s life.” She smiled a little. “He wanted us to marry and bond.”

Jim nodded because what else could he do, anyway? He still held the picture and he didn’t know what to do with it.

“You…you have someone new in our life?”

Her smile widened now. “Yes, Stefan. We’ve been together two years now.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

“Why didn’t you respond to Spock’s messages, Jim?” she asked suddenly.

“I-I don’t know. Too wrapped up in my own issues, I guess.”

She reached over then and took the picture from his hands and tucked it beside her. Then she put her hand on his leg, the left one, the real one.

“How are you? Really?”

“Okay.” He licked his dry lips and took a sip of the lemonade. “Did you-was the divorce because of the loss of your son?”

“Mostly, yes. Neither of us handled it well. We grew further and further apart and the reasons for the dissolution of our relationship back on the Enterprise came back to us. Sometimes you just drift away from each other. We still cared about each other, but we were no longer in love.” Uhura sighed. “It happens. And it’s just as well, really. I couldn’t have handled him the way he is now.”

Jim frowned. “The way he is now?”

Uhura shook her head. “Oh, Jim. I really wish you’d kept in touch. Right after we went through the divorce, Spock decided to go through Kolinahr.”

 

 Jim sucked in a breath. His chest felt so tight he rubbed it. “He-was it successful?”

She nodded. “Yes.”

_Fuck._

“I…see.” Jim put his half empty glass down and stood, ignoring the shooting pain that went straight to his hip as his abrupt move. “I really need to get ready for this wedding. I…just wanted to see how you were doing.”

Uhura got up too and walked with him to the front door of her home. She hugged him again and he automatically hugged her back. She felt like a stranger though. And Jim guessed maybe now she was.

“Give Leonard and his daughter my best.”

“I will,” Jim promised.

He turned away and was walking down the path when she called out to him.

Jim stopped and turned back toward her.

“Spock’s in San Francisco right now. For what it’s worth. I think he’s at the Dumont. Here with his father for some diplomacy, I think.”

“Okay,” Jim said, though he doubted he had much to say to a Vulcan devoid of emotions. Of feelings. Purged himself of emotions. Dirty, inconvenient emotions.

He got back into the hover cab and ordered it back to his own hotel to get ready for Joanna’s wedding.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [ ](https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xw5nOPM1C5g/WZdkZFMA_jI/AAAAAAAACQM/0knZs22WcX0f0uDhrAB7vUGASD4gHyOEACLcBGAs/s1600/1150251_342369982563452_2023845022_n.png)
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Weddings were supposed to be happy events. Jim knew that. Celebrations of love between a couple who wanted to commit to eternity together. Theoretically anyway. Eternity together didn’t exist. And most commitments didn’t last beyond a few years as far as Jim could tell.

Every wedding he had ever attended had been like a punch in the gut to him. Some punches were a little higher, like Spock and Uhura’s wedding. It probably would have hurt worse if the hadn’t been dealing with his own problems at the time. It had hurt enough, anyway.

The first wedding he had attended was between his mother and Frank. He’d been pretty young, but he’d never forgotten how it made him feel. Nor had he forgotten the reception when Frank had walked up to Jim and Sam, declaring, “You two are on your way out.”

He’d made good on his threat eventually. Sooner for Sam, who Frank managed to drive away with beating after beating, and then eventually for Jim, when Frank had managed to get him sent to another planet altogether.

The next wedding had been on that planet, between his aunt and a neighbor of hers she had grown a shine to, as she put it. The wedding had been okay but the morning after she’d come down to the kitchen with a black eye. So much for wedded bliss.

He hoped Joanna’s wedding to Henry would be happy and the start of great things for her. He really hoped so. But, frankly, Jim was skeptical. Or cynical. He supposed both applied.

He smiled through the ceremony like everyone else did, sitting next to Bones in the front row. Jim had been keeping an eye on Bones to make sure he hadn’t snuck in any drinks, but so far, he seemed okay. There was that period of time he’d gone to see Uhura, but when Jim had come back to the hotel, he hadn’t smelled anything.

“You may kiss the bride.”

And that was that, Jim thought, as Henry leaned over and briefly kissed Joanna on the lips as the onlookers cheered.

A short time later he sauntered up to Bones, who stood by the punch bowl, scooping way too red punch into a glass cup. He snatched it out of Bones’ hand and smelled it.

“Since when did you become my watchdog?” Bones took the cup back after Jim decided it didn’t have any booze in it.

“Somebody has to look after you. You haven’t been doing it.”

Bones snorted. “Look who’s talking. Want some?”

“No thanks. It looks like blood or something.”

Bones grimaced and put down the cup. “Thanks for that. You’re really a party killer.”

Jim laughed. “Sorry. I’m sure it’s fine. I’m just not much of a punch drinker.”

“How’d it go with Uhura?”

“About what you’d expect,” Jim replied. “She’s with someone though, so I guess that’s good.”

“Uh-huh.” Bones moved away from the punch bowl and Jim followed him. “And?”

“And what?”

“We both know you went to find out about Spock.”

“Guess he’s in San Francisco.”

“Yeah?” Bones shot him a look as he took a seat at one of the long tables set up for dinner later. “You going to go see him before you return to Riverside?”

A shuttle flew above his head and Jim looked up into the clear blue sky. “She sure picked the perfect day for this. Gorgeous.”

“Yep.”

“I doubt he’d want to see me.” Jim sat heavily down next to Bones. “Uhura said he went through Kolinahr.”

Bones glanced at him in surprise. “Fuck. Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Never thought he’d take it that far.”

“I don’t know if I can deal with a Spock who feels nothing, Bones. I mean, how does that even work? No friendship even? No sorrow, no anger, no happiness, no love?” Jim plucked at the hem of his coat. He was too warm in it but everyone else was still wearing theirs.

“Damned if I know how it works either,” Bones grumbled. “Thought he’d decided long ago not to do that.”

He shrugged. “He’s always wanted to live the life of a Vulcan. It’s something he’s struggled with all his life, from what he told me. Losing his kid and his wife, I guess, I don’t know. What did he have left?”

Not you, that’s for sure, a voice in his head said. It was never you.

“There you are!”

Christine Chapel ran up to Bones then. Looking older than before, sure, they all did, but still pretty good. Her blonde hair was shorter and a little darker as she pulled Bones to his feet and hugged the stuffing out of him.

“Hello, Chris,” Bones said with his trade-mark grump, but Jim could tell he was pleased to see his former nurse, now turned doctor in her own right.

“Captain!” She exclaimed. “You look wonderful. It’s so good to see you, sir.”

“Thank you, Christine. It’s good to see you again too. How are you?”

“Very good. I’d love to catch up later if you get a chance. But can I borrow Leonard for a dance?”

Jim flicked his hand toward them. “Be my guest. Keep him as long as you want.”

For a moment he watched them dance but he grew bored quickly and rose from his seat to walk around the reception. He didn’t really know most people there. They were friends of Joanna and Henry. People they attended medical school with and the academy. Young people that only vaguely reminded him of himself.

Bones had told him he hadn’t kept in touch with most of the crew except for him and Christine Chapel. Sulu was a captain of a ship in his own right now, of course. And Jim had heard Scotty was his engineer.

It was just as well, really. Jim didn’t really relish seeing any of them. And yeah, that was probably unfair and pretty dicky of him, but he felt that way anyway.

He stayed on the edges of the reception. Keeping away from the alcohol himself. Watching Bones dance the father-daughter dance. After a while he contemplated what to do with himself there. He just wanted to go home, really.

“Uncle Jim.”

He turned to greet Joanna as she approached him. She wore an off the shoulder ivory traditional wedding dress decorated with pearls and sequins. He wasn’t surprised, really. She’d always given him the impression she liked the old traditions and customs.

“Dance?”

“Sure,” Jim said with a smile, pulling her close, and resting his hand on her waist.

“Is this okay?” she asked after a few seconds. “I mean with your—”

“It’s fine. It only hurts when I stand.”

Her eyes widened and she went to pull back.

“I’m kidding, Jo.” He paused, searching her pale face. “It’s okay to joke, right?”

“Of course. I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “I’m acting more sensitive about it than you are. I should know better.”

“I’m actually pretty used to it at this point. It seems to be the elephant in the room wherever I go. If I go anywhere.” He grinned. “Which is rare.”

She smiled then, reaching up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m so glad you came.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it.” It was a lie, of course. Because he most certainly would have and gladly. Which said a lot about him and none of it good.

Joanna would have none of it, though. “Daddy didn’t think you’d come.”

“Yeah well.” Jim smiled. “Here I am. So that shows you what he knows. I’m so happy for you, Jo. And I wish you all the happiness in the universe. You deserve it.”

“Thank you,” she said softly. “So do you.”

Jim shook his head. “I missed those chances long ago.”

“But—”

“I’ve reconciled myself to the life I have. And it’s fine.”

“Daddy said Spock and Nyota are divorced now.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Daddy has a big mouth.”

She laughed. “Maybe. Daddy says Spock is here in San Francisco, too.”

“Uh-huh.” Bones sure worked fast. He'd only told Bones that less than an hour before.  

Joanna sighed and didn’t say anything for a bit, just swayed with the music, a waltz. She was radiantly beautiful and her eyes were like stars, filled with love and hope for her future. Jim really was happy for her.

When the dance was finished, she led him from the dance floor to a little archway decorated with pink peonies.

“Why don’t you go and see him?” Joanna asked.

“I’m leaving for Riverside in the morning.”

“I mean now.”

“ _Now_? I’m at your wedding.”

Joanna touched her perfectly manicured fingers to his cheek. “The most important part is over. You saw us get married. You danced with me. You even heard Daddy play the piano. If you hang around for the banquet, you may miss your chance.”

“I already told you—”

“I know what you told me. Please? Go and see him. For me. As my present.”

Jim was already shaking his head, though it was hard to resist her. “He’s gone through Kolinahr.”

“So? Do you think that can stop true love?”

He burst out laughing. “True love? How much champagne have you had?”

She gave him a look that reminded him uncomfortably of her father’s.

“I’m here with your dad. And I have to watch him because, um, well—”

“I know about Daddy,” she said seriously.  “I’ll watch him.”

“You really are as stubborn as your daddy.” Jim looked away, out at the crowd of wedding revelers. “This is a mistake, Jo.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. You’ll never know unless you try.” She embraced him and then pulled back to look at him. “Can you live with never knowing?”

****

He stood outside the Dumont in downtown San Francisco. He had yet to make his way inside and now that he’d been standing out front for a good fifteen minutes indecisively, Jim was pretty sure he wasn’t going to go in after all.

Maybe he never would know. But he wouldn’t face that final complete rejection.

He turned away.

“James.”

Jim froze. It was Sarek’s voice.

He swallowed heavily, turning toward the old Vulcan, who seemed to have aged decades since the last time Jim had seen him. His face was lined heavily and his hair had gone completely silver. Jim opened his mouth on a greeting.

And then he saw who stood next to Sarek.

_Spock._

Suddenly Sarek disappeared from his sight and his mind, as did everyone else around him. He could see only Spock.

Spock, tall, dark and austere, dressed in black from head to toe. His features were sharper, more angular. But he was still…more beautiful than anyone Jim had ever known.

“Hello, Spock.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> [ ](https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Sc4xxILePL4/WbK312-lBZI/AAAAAAAACRY/SC2MgGooGR4tRbpvXr9VWYpPMg61dnMBgCLcBGAs/s1600/Spok.jpg)  
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He stared with cold, dark, fathomless eyes of which Jim was fairly certain he would drown in. His cheekbones were thinner and more pronounced than the last time Jim had seen him and there was a severity there he had not had before, even at his most logical point.

Spock did not speak.

Jim turned his attention to Spock’s father. “How are you, sir?”

“I am…adequate,” Sarek responded. “Spock, I can go onto the meeting without you. Your presence is not required.”

“If you’re on your way out, I don’t wish to impose,” Jim said quickly.

Sarek dismissed his objection with barely any acknowledgement. He inclined his head toward Spock, and then turned and departed without another word. Apparently he had decided for his son that he would stay.

Spock continued to stare as though he was looking straight through Jim.

And Jim’s heart was pounding almost painfully. This had been a mistake after all. He barely knew Spock. All the yearning and the aching, notwithstanding.

“Listen, we don’t have to—”

Spock still said nothing but he did gesture for Jim to enter the hotel lobby and so Jim did. It was bustling with quite the crowd but Jim noticed a coffee shop to the left of the registration desk and was about to suggest they go there when Spock walked directly to the hotel elevators.

Jim followed after him. “You know the coffee shop is probably just fine for—”

Spock stepped in after the doors opened. Jim cast his gaze back at the coffee shop fervently, but he went into the elevator. He stood as far away from Spock as he could. But the air was still chilled just the same.

Spock chose floor twenty one and they both remained silent as the turbo charged elevator made it up to that floor in mere seconds, opening out to a plush carpeted corridor.

Jim followed after the Vulcan until he stopped before room twenty one fifteen. Spock waved his hand over the door and it slid open, granting them access to a room that was quite clearly a suite.

Jim glanced around, a little surprised at the opulent surroundings, but he supposed Sarek’s status warranted it.  Spock led him to a sitting area with a sofa and several chairs, with a crystal chandelier overhead.

“Tea?” It was the first word spoken to him by Spock in many years and yet it could have been said from a stranger to a stranger.

Jim forced himself to sit in one of the chairs, lowering himself carefully so as not to jar his leg. “Thank you.”

Spock moved off to the full kitchen to prepare tea while Jim tried to decide just what he intended to say. He hadn’t planned any of this in advance, and honestly, he wasn’t even sure what he _could_ say.

He regretted letting Joanna talk him into this. And for that matter he resented Bones for taking him away from Riverside in the first place. He gripped the arms of the chair as Spock returned with a pot of tea and two cups.

He poured tea into both cups and then handed one to Jim, who couldn’t take it without it rattling in his hands. He set it on the table beside him.

Spock sat on the sofa and remained stoic.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing Jim thought to say. “For not staying in touch.”

“You are a busy man,” Spock replied.

“Yeah. No. I mean, not really. That’s just an excuse and I don’t deserve it. I should-I should have responded to your messages.”

“That is all irrelevant at this point.”

Jim’s chest tightened. He nodded. “And I’m sorry about Uhura. That it didn’t work out.”

Spock sipped from his tea like he was some royal prince. “It was an ill-fated relationship never destined to succeed.”

 _Ouch_.

Jim looked away from the starkness of Spock’s face. “And-and your son,” he whispered. “I don’t know what to say, Spock. I grieve with thee.”

He received no response and for the longest time Jim couldn’t bring himself to look at Spock. But then he reminded himself he was no coward. He’d died. He’d lost his leg. Been horribly burned. Lost forty percent of his lung capacity rescuing Bones from that shuttlecraft. He was no coward. Even though sometimes it might be hard to tell.

Jim turned to face Spock, who was just staring blankly at him. This, he supposed, is what Kolinahr did.

“I didn’t know,” Jim said. “And I should have. There’s nothing I can say that makes it forgivable.”

“There is no requirement of forgiveness needed,” Spock said tonelessly.

And he had no idea what to say to that. Or what to say at all. This was, as he feared. A Spock that had even shut out any ideas of friendship. And what else did Jim deserve anyway?

“I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

“There is also no requirement that you continue to apologize.”

He opened his mouth to say, “I’m sorry” but then shut it when he realized. God, he felt as desolate as he had when facing Spock across the arena when he had been accused of cheating.

“You have not touched your tea.”

“Yeah. I guess I’m kind of nervous.”

“Why?”

Jim barked out a laugh at that. “We haven’t seen in each other in a long time, Spock. And you’ve…you went through Kolinahr. Or so I heard.” He reached for the teacup and as it started to rattle in his hands, he forced himself to hold it steady. “So, you feel nothing?”

“I have gone through the process of purging my emotions in favor of a life of logic.”

“Well, uh, good. If that’s what you wanted.”

“Prior to leaving Vulcan for Starfleet, I had considered Kolinahr,” Spock replied.

Jim nodded. “I know. What changed your mind then?”

Spock very carefully sipped from his tea. “At the time I would be living and working with several other species, including Humans, and giving that its due consideration, I surmised it would be wise to wait until a later time in my life.”

“Ah.” He nodded again. Really didn’t know what else to do.

“I did not expect to see you in San Francisco. It is my understanding that you reside in Riverside.”

Jim set his teacup down again and twisted his hands together in his lap. “Bones’ daughter got married and Bones practically dragged me here.”

“Then the doctor is well?”

“No,” Jim replied. “But he’s still around, yeah. Anyway, today was the wedding so I’m headed back tomorrow.”

“I am returning to New Vulcan tomorrow as well.”

He traced his dry lips with his tongue. “How does that work, anyway?”

“Clarify.”

“The purging.” Jim waved his hand. “How do you simply banish the way you feel? Because honestly, maybe that’s something I’d like to do.”

“It is a matter of the mind and discipline.”

“Well, that leaves me out. I’m not much for discipline,” he joked, but, naturally, Spock didn’t even crack a smile. Probably wouldn’t have even before the Kolinahr. “Years of training, right?”

“Affirmative.”

“And some healer blocking that part of your mind off?” Jim guessed.

Spock inclined his head. “It would seem you know more about the process than I realized.”

“I’ve had a lot of free time by myself over the years,” Jim admitted.

“You need not have chosen to reside in Riverside alone.”

“Oh, I don’t mean just in Riverside. Even before that, on the Enterprise. I don’t think I ever—”

“Yes?”

Jim’s gaze held Spock’s. “I don’t think we ever got to experience the epic friendship our counterparts apparently did. Because every time we could have been having that friendship there was always an obstacle in the way.”

“You speak of Nyota.”

“Yeah, I do. I got that she was your girlfriend, but you never really seemed to want to spend time with me. And I guess I expected something more.”

“I was unaware of your feelings in the matter.”

Jim sighed. “I know. You were always unaware of my feelings. Anyway, I should go. I’ve taken up too much of your time as it is.”

He pushed against his thighs and managed to stand up as gracefully as he was able to these days. Spock stood too and for just a moment, Jim thought he was going to protest Jim’s leaving but instead he turned and walked over to the hotel room door.

Jim joined him there.

For the first time, Spock’s gaze swept away from Jim’s face and down his leg. “It gives you no trouble?”

“It gives me plenty of trouble,” Jim said wryly. “Some days it hurts like a fucking bitch. Other days my lungs burn just trying to get enough air. And the nightmares? Well, whatever. You definitely don’t want to hear all about any of that. And none of what happened to me compares to…” He shook his head. “Spock.”

Spock’s gaze rose to once again focus on Jim’s face but he said nothing.

Without even thinking about it, Jim’s hand rose to Spock’s face and he put his fingertips to the right of Spock’s jaw, ignoring the rigidness. “Here I am, touching you without permission again. Sometimes it was like you didn’t even mind.” Jim smiled ruefully. “I never-I never wanted it to be this way for either of us, Spock.”

“What did you want?”

Jim leaned in, for Spock’s question almost seemed like permission to do so, and he pressed his warm lips to Spock’s cool mouth. It was like kissing a block of ice. He started to pull away when he heard the tiniest hitch of Spock’s breath and noticed the light dusting of green on the Vulcan’s cheeks.

He looked into those brown eyes and kissed him again, more deeply this time, and there was no mistaking the softening of Spock’s lips under his.

Jim pulled back. “So you feel nothing, huh?”

“It is a physiological response,” Spock replied.

“Should have known that word logical would be in there somewhere.” Jim closed his eyes and kissed Spock again, who most definitely did not push him away. In fact, Spock’s mouth opened under his and then to Jim’s surprise, Spock grabbed him by the biceps and pulled him closer.

And then Spock was pushing him against the wall, crushing his mouth under Spock’s.

What the hell, Jim thought. Tomorrow they were both leaving, probably never to see each other again. And if Spock’s physiological response was all he’d ever get out of him, then Jim would take it.

The perfect way to say goodbye.    


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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>  [](https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wt-akqa9rJM/WcBeONNGOOI/AAAAAAAACSw/X35PgkgnMpMsVUR2kOv5BrwokBhQSMhpQCLcBGAs/s1600/ChrisPineBar640.jpg)   
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He kissed like he’d practiced kissing. They were tender kisses, soft and warm and entirely giving.

They seemed to Jim like he’d learned to kiss by watching videos of how you were supposed to kiss. Or maybe this was the way he had kissed Uhura and that was all he’d ever known.

They were definitely sweet. And even a little bit thrilling. Because they were Spock. But they lacked passion. And if this was all Jim would ever get from Spock, this night, then Jim demanded more than tender kisses exchanged before they said goodbye.

“No.”

He pushed against Spock until Spock was up against the opposite wall Jim had previously rested against. With a shake of his head, he slanted his lips over Spock’s in a much more sexual way. He wanted to devour those lips. Taste every single inch of Spock’s mouth. He wanted the Vulcan to whimper with need and desire so powerful it would bring him to his knees.

“Don’t be gentle,” Jim told him, grinding his erection against Spock, thrilled to feel Spock’s answering one.

“What?”

“If we’re giving into the physiological needs of our bodies then damn it we’re going to feel like it.” Jim pushed his hand between their bodies, closing his grip over Spock’s clothes covered hard ridge. At Spock’s gulp of air, Jim smiled in triumph, pressing his advantage—or rather his lips against Spock’s—again. He pushed his tongue past Spock’s lips, sliding it along Spock’s.

For a moment or two, Spock remained docile, just accepting Jim’s easy command of him. He allowed Jim to lead, to conquer his lips. His mouth.

But then Jim felt the subtle change as more and more Spock began to kiss back much more aggressively.

A part of Jim was very much afraid Spock would come to his senses and shove Jim away, declaring Jim was not even worthy of a physiological response. That part told him to work fast before Spock remembered this was the dick who ignored him when Spock needed him.

“Bedroom or right here on the floor?” Jim asked, slightly surprised at the rough quality of his own voice.

Spock’s eyes widened slightly, but rather than give a verbal response, he grabbed Jim and dragged him toward one of the bedrooms of the hotel suite.

As soon as they reached the large bed, Jim pulled Spock back into a kiss. Strangely enough he’d never been that much into kissing, not for kissing’s sake anyway, it was a means to an end, but with Spock, Jim couldn’t get enough. Maybe because he know—

_No. Stop focusing on a future without Spock and be here now._

Jim opened his mouth as Spock’s tongue forcefully pushed in. Jim didn’t often let others take the lead sexually, past history made him balk at the idea of being submissive to anyone, yet he completely trusted Spock. Even this cold unemotional version. And so he surprised himself a little by whimpering as Spock pushed him down on the bed, grabbing Jim’s hands in one of his and holding him down.

He bucked up against Spock, wanting to feel his hands and lips everywhere as Spock’s other hands slid under his dress shirt to stroke across Jim’s stomach. He felt an echo of something rush across his mind but it was gone before he could chase it and when Spock ripped at the buttons of his shirt, sending them flying, he forgot to think. Then he rendered it in two.

What the hell. He had no intention of wearing that stupid shirt to another wedding anyway. He leaned up to let Spock remove the shreds of the shirt. Somehow he toed off his shoes, even with a heavy Vulcan weighing him down. It was Spock who got his trousers off.

As Spock stood to remove his own clothes, Jim stared hard at him. For he wanted to memorize every line of Spock’s body, every mole or blemish on his skin, every single detail, so that when he was back in Riverside and alone again, with only the picture Nyota had taken of the two of them together all those years ago, and his memories, he needed to know everything. Needed to recall all there was.

Muscled arms. Flat, perfect abs. Wiry hair across his chest and down to stomach. Double ridged cock a slight shade of green and leaking more pre-cum than Jim had ever seen. He recalled that once he’d tried to find out all he could about Vulcan anatomy. Back in those days when he’d dreamed he had a chance of a lifetime with Spock. There was some talk of a lot of lubrication, but he hadn’t known what any of that meant. Jim hadn’t thought his night would end like this so he hadn’t brought any sort of preparation with him. Whatever Spock had would have to be enough. Jim would not turn back now. No matter how it might hurt.

And Spock was beautiful. Just as Jim had always imagined he’d be. Perhaps he’d grown a little thinner than he’d been before, but perhaps Jim had grown a little heavier. And seeing how absolutely perfectly gorgeous Spock was reminded him of just how imperfect he was. Of the artificial leg laying exposed on the bed from his knee down. Of his burn scarred arm laid bare to Spock’s gaze. And Spock _was_ looking. And how could Jim blame him?

Perhaps he had been wrong to not give into vanity and have the scars removed as the doctors had advised. Perhaps he had been wrong to make it some sort of twisted homage, a reminder, of his ultimate failure. Of the gigantic price he’d had to pay as he was forced to leave Chekov crushed beneath machinery.

But Spock’s gaze had moved away from the scarred arm, and he had yet to look at Jim’s leg, and as he looked down at Jim, there was blessed nothing in Spock’s expression. And Jim was relieved for he’d briefly forgotten this Spock would feel no pity for him. Jim was glad.

Spock might not feel anything as he laid his naked body across Jim’s, but Jim was feeling a thousand things and it was crashing down on him, making his chest hurt and his eyes sting, but ruthlessly he pushed it all away. He wanted this. He wanted Spock. And damn it, he would have this.

Jim lifted his arms, one hooking behind Spock’s neck, and the other threading through his silky dark hair as he once more mashed their lips together.  A lifetime would never make him forget Spock’s taste.

Spock’s hands slid down Jim, thumbs skating over his nipples, and Jim moaned into Spock’s mouth. He stiffened just a little when Spock’s fingertips lightly stroked down his scarred arm, not because it hurt, but because—

Lips trailed from his down his throat, nipping and sucking along the way. A bruise was sucked into his collarbone and Jim gasped, feeling feverish. Vulcan tongue licked at his nipples. Jim whined desperately.

When Spock’s mouth reached Jim’s cock and swallowed him down, he bucked nearly off the bed. Long, elegant fingers rolled his balls.

“Spock, fuck.”

When he was flipped onto his stomach with both shocking speed and an amazing amount of gentleness that did not jar his leg, Jim felt Spock scoot down on the bed and push his knees to bend.

Jim had only seconds to realize what Spock intended before he felt a warm wet tongue pushing at his hole. He grabbed onto the sheets as he pushed his ass out, welcoming the feel of the probing tongue at his entrance. Over and over, Spock laved him, so that soon his hole was dripping with saliva.

“Please,” Jim heard himself beg just before Spock straightened up and poised himself between Jim’s legs. Fingertips touched his cheeks lightly just before Spock’s big fat cock pushed into him. He closed his eyes, waiting for the pain, but it never came. Just Spock thrusting in to his balls, lifting Jim up ever so slightly, and then plunging in again and again until Jim was a whimpering, mewling mess.

This was what his dreams, his fantasies, had been made of.

Spock was not quiet, as Jim had thought he’d be, but instead gasped and moaned, clawing at the sheets around them, as he pumped Jim’s ass fast and deep.

When Spock released his cum inside Jim, he pulled out, stuck his tongue inside Jim again, lapping it out of a quivering, shaking Jim. Then Spock flipped him onto his back and swallowed down Jim’s throbbing member just before he came harder and more intensely than he ever had before.

Jim didn’t know how long he’d laid there sated and exhausted and maybe a little broken, before he struggled out of the bed. Spock was out, looking to be sleeping or dead, but Jim checked and he was still breathing.

He gathered his pants and his tattered shirt and tried to remember if he’d come with his suit jacket but ultimately decided he hadn’t.

Out of the bedroom he’d dressed as best he could, knowing he looked as thrashed he felt. But Spock was leaving for New Vulcan and Jim was leaving for Riverside. And this was all they’d have. He wouldn’t subject Spock to some clingy crying fit.

When he reached the street in front of the hotel, he staggered a little. He was not drunk or stoned, he’d had nothing for hours, and yet he felt as out of it as if he had.

“Hey buddy,” the doorman of the hotel said as he grabbed Jim’s arm. “You need help? Were you attacked?”

“No.” Jim licked his lips. Shook his head and wiped his hand over his face. “I’m good. Can you get me a hover taxi?”

“Sure. Of course.” The doorman whistled and one appeared only a minute later. “You sure you don’t need help?”

“I’m sure.”

Jim got in the taxi and gave the driver the address of his hotel with Bones. He kept his eyes closed the whole way there. His heart hammered hard in his chest and he was pretty sure he should ask Bones to make sure he wasn’t in cardiac arrest or something.

Somehow he made it to their room and was unsurprised when Bones was waiting for him.

“Jim, where the hell—”

He collapsed in a heap in Bones’ arms and it took him a moment to realize the wetness all over his friend was from him. He was sobbing and Bones was letting him.

“I got you,” Bones said, hugging him tightly. “I got you.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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Jim heard Bones approach as he stared at the sunrise out the balcony door of their hotel room. He didn’t turn around.

“How’d you sleep?” came Bones’ soft question.

“I didn’t,” Jim admitted, finally turning to Bones with a half-hearted smile. He fluttered his fingers toward his right leg.

“Bothered you?”

“The real part anyway. I need coffee intravenously.”

“I ordered some from room service. Should be here shortly.” Bones searched his face. “You want some drops for those red eyes?”

“No. They don’t hurt anymore.” He grabbed for the nearest chair and slowly lowered himself into it.

“I guess I never really knew your leg still gave you so much trouble.”

“It doesn’t really most of the time. It’s just been pretty well-used the last few days. I kind of baby it most of time.”

There was a knock on the door and as Bones moved off to answer it to the room service people, Jim leaned his head back on the chair and closed his eyes. His pulse was still up and his stomach felt like it carried a pound of sand in it.

Bones came back with a silver tray carrying a pot of coffee and two cups with cream and sugar. He poured them both cups and then sat in the chair next to Jim.

“How’d the rest of the wedding go, really?”

Jim had made such a spectacle of himself the night before when he’d returned he hadn’t thought to ask Bones about Jo and the rest of it.

He was vaguely embarrassed about it now. Not that Bones treated him like he should have been or anything. But now that he was facing the morning and going home, Jim didn’t much care for his own emotional display of the turmoil roiling within. He was supposed to be over all that. Or he’d told himself that anyway.

“Good. We had fun. Christine was sorry she missed seeing you again at the reception.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry about that. I’ll send her a message,” Jim said, even though he knew he wouldn’t. And he suspected Bones knew it too.

Bones leaned over with his medical tricorder out and scanned first Jim’s right upper thigh and then the rest of him. “Your vitals are all over the place.”

Jim smiled tightly. Took a sip of strong coffee. “Not surprised.”

“When was the last time you got an entire night of sleep?”

“I don’t know.”

Bones sighed. “When was the last time you had a thorough checkup, Jim?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jim.”

He sighed. “Fine. About a year or so ago. When I was trying to get active duty again.”

Bones frowned, staring at him with something akin to shock. “What? You tried to get active duty with the ‘Fleet? When was this?”

“Last spring. They sent one of their doctors to Riverside to check me out.” Jim drank several more gulps of coffee. “It didn’t go well.”

“Psych?”

Jim laughed. “Yeah, right. I’ve been faking those since I was a teen out of fucking Tarsus. I know what to say to pass.” The smile slipped from his face. “No. The lungs. Too much permanent damage from well…the fire and the smoke and all. I’m no good for captaining a starship. They told me, you know, before, but I thought…anyway, no.”

“I should have been your doctor,” Bones mumbled.

“You were in the hospital suffering from your own maladies. And in no condition to take care of me or anyone else,” Jim reminded him uselessly. They’d been over this a dozen times at least. “Anyway, they did their best. Wasn’t anything they could do different.”

“You could still teach at the academy.  Or work at HQ in the tactical division. They offered you the admiralty.”

“Fuck that,” Jim said, shaking his head. “I want active ship duty or nothing. If I have any luck left I’ll never see San Francisco again.”

“So, it’s Riverside again?”

“That’s where my life is now, Bones.”

“Some life,” his friend muttered.

“As opposed to drinking yourself to death in Georgia?” Jim snapped. He instantly regretted lashing out and opened his mouth to say so.

Bones waved and shook his head. “Yeah, I know. And you’re right. I have no right to judge anyone else, considering. Listen…I have something to tell you.”

Jim eyed him warily now. The coffee was souring in his stomach and he felt vaguely nauseous. He fought it down. “Okay.” He had the urge to lick his lips, kind of a nervous habit he’d had for years, and he fought that down.

“Christine, um, she’s asked me to stay in San Francisco for a bit. I guess there’s a facility here that has great success rates with drunks like me.”

“Bones.”

“I know.” He sighed. “Anyway, we talked a long time yesterday and into last night before I came back here. And I also talked to Jo and she likes the idea of me sticking around. Just for a time, mind you.”

“I see.”

“I need help, Jim. I do. God, knows I’ve been fucking things up back in Georgia. You saw me here. I can’t stay away from it.” He held up his hands. They were shaking. “I see his face all the time, Jim. Even when I don’t want to. And then I drink. Hell, I want a drink right now.”

“I know you do.”

Bones swallowed. “So…I’m staying. Not  getting on the shuttle today.”

Jim nodded, smiled. “That’s good, Bones. You should do it.”

“Jim—”

“No. I mean it. What else are you going to do? Come back to Riverside with me? I don’t know anything about detoxing anyone.” Well, he did, actually. He’d done it years ago for his mother. But that was a lifetime ago. And it was hard and it was shit. Jim would have done it for Bones. Sure. But not to have to—“It sounds like Christine and Jo have you covered.”

“I want you to stay too,” Bones said into the sudden stillness of the hotel room.

“No,” he whispered. “This-this place is making my skin crawl. I have to get out of here.”

“This place. Is it really this place or something else? Someone else?” Bones looked away. “What the hell happened with Spock last night?”

“I told you. I got fucked.” Jim laughed. It wasn’t funny. But he laughed anyway. Maybe he had lost his damn mind back there in that hotel room with Spock.   “Everywhere, I think,” he added more softly.

Bones looked back at him. His eyes were wet.

“Bones. I’ve had my heart broken before.”

“Not by Spock. He’s different.”

Jim couldn’t even deny it. Didn’t even try.

“You’ve been in love with him since you two fought Nero.”

Jim looked down at his feet. “And it’s been breaking since then. It’s nothing new.”

“Jim—”

“I’m fine. It was never meant to be with Spock and that’s actually good. That was somebody else’s life. The Kirk who never had doubts that he should be in command of the Enterprise. That was him and his Spock. And I’m okay with that.”

“Sure you are.”

“I am,” Jim insisted.

“Why’d you go see him anyway? I thought you decided not to.”

“Jo told me I should. And I guess I needed to see for myself what the Kolinahr did. And I did.” Jim met Bones’ gaze. “But this morning after all the crying and everything I realized something.”

“What, Jim?”

“Kolinahr didn’t take Spock’s feelings toward me away because he never had them to begin with.” Jim blew out a breath. “Friendship was all he could ever offer me. And I had to live with that before and I will live with it now. You know, once I even told him I loved him.”

“What happened?” Bones was gaping at him. “You never told me that.”

“I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell anyone.” It was then, of course, that his dreams and fantasies and hopes had died. “It was just before…” He moistened his lips. “Before. You know when we got captured together. He didn’t even hear me. And then they got back together again and that was that. Just as well he didn’t hear. Imagine how awkward that would have been dealing with his stupid captain’s feelings.”

“Jim, I—”

“Forget it. If you’re staying, I need to get up and go get that shuttle home.” He got to his feet and glanced toward the window to the outdoors. The sun was up fully now.

“And Spock?”

Jim swallowed and shook his head. “There was only one shuttle scheduled for New Vulcan today and it left five minutes ago.”

“Maybe he wasn’t on it.”

“He was,” Jim said softly. “And I’m going to be on the next one to Riverside.”

****

“I think I should go with you after all,” Bones said as they waited for Jim to board the shuttle to Riverside.

“Bones.”

“Well, but I said I was going back with you before and—”

Jim grabbed his arms. “You need help, Bones. I love you and you need to get sober. Take care of you for once. Okay?”

“Jim—”

_Boarding for the Riverside, Iowa shuttle. Boarding for the Riverside, Iowa shuttle._

“That’s me.” Jim embraced his friend, hugging him very, very tight. He ignored the lump in his throat and the pain in his heart because he had to.

“Let me know when you’re there,” Bones said, sounding suspiciously like he might be crying.

“I will.”

“And-and as soon as I complete the program I’m coming to see you.”

“You’d better.”

Jim went to pull away but Bones held on.

_Boarding for the Riverside, Iowa shuttle. Boarding for the Riverside, Iowa shuttle._

“Bones. Let me go,” he whispered.

Bones pushed away. “I did that once. And look where it got both of us.”

Jim smiled, squeezed his arm and said softly, “Bye, doc.”

There was hardly anyone on the shuttle, Jim noticed, not altogether surprising. Even Starfleet closed most of the facilities there in Riverside a few years back. He chose his seat next to a window and then closed his eyes. Which, yeah, it didn’t make sense but when did it?

His PADD beeped and he pulled it out of his jacket to see a message from Carol. Attached was a very recent picture of David laughing while playing a game. He was struck how much the kid looked like him. Only he had a happy life with two loving parents, neither of which was Jim.

“Good for you, kid.” He turned off the PADD and put it back in his coat.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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The shuttle bay was quiet as Jim got off the shuttle and walked down the ramp. It was like a ghost town. A few people here and there but definitely not the bustling area it had once been before Starfleet began to pull out of Riverside.

Still even here in the bay, Jim felt a sense of home. This was where it was for him now, anyway. Since he couldn’t be on the Enterprise, well, this would have to do for whatever years he had left.

The problem, if you could call it a problem, was that other than a bum leg, a scarred up arm and damaged lungs, Jim was as healthy as a horse, as Bones would say. He wasn’t that old, not really, and except for the accident, he would have been able to command for a great many more years.

As he stepped out into the late afternoon sun, Jim couldn’t help but think he did not want to walk the whole way back to his farmhouse. He could have done it once upon a time, sure. But those days were over. And he wasn’t even sure if his leg was whole it would have made a difference.

So he was pleasantly surprised when he recognized the young man that approached him.

“Tim, hey, how are you?”

“Good, Mr. Kirk,” Tim Kelly, a kid in his early twenties, who was the son of a guy Jim had gone to high school with, Mitch Kelly. “You need a ride, sir?”

“How’d you know?”

Tim smiled. “Dad saw your name on the list of passengers earlier before he went home. He’s working here now. He said you might need some help.”

“Well, that was nice of both of you.”

Tim took Jim’s small suitcase. “My hover car’s here.”

If Tim noticed the stiff way Jim was walking, he didn’t comment on it. It wasn’t as though most people didn’t know what happened to him anyway. Riverside wasn’t that small that he knew everyone or anything but he knew a lot and a lot more knew him thanks to his time in Starfleet.

They might not know all the details, but they knew enough.

Once they got settled, the kid pulled the hover car out of the parking lot and out onto the road. He kept glancing Jim’s way.

“Something on your mind, Tim?”

Tim blushed. “Well. Just. How’s your leg feeling?”

“A little stiff. Not bad though.” Jim sighed and leaned back.

“You look exhausted, sir. If I may say so.”

“I’m all right. Just glad to be back.”

“Where were you off to? I mean, you don’t really go anywhere these days.” Tim blushed again. “Um. Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. How do you know I don’t go anywhere?”

He shrugged. “Everyone knows that.”

“I was in San Francisco.”

Tim sucked in a breath. “Starfleet?”

Jim chuckled. “No. A wedding. An old friend’s daughter. She’s in Starfleet though.”

“You-you ever going back there? You know, permanently?”

“No.”

Tim cast a furtive glance at him as he pulled onto the road that led to Jim’s house. “Cause of, you know, what happened?”

“Yeah, Tim.”

He bit his lip and fell silent. But then as the house came into sight, he said, “Dad said I shouldn’t ask you for details. About the-the accident.”

Jim smiled faintly. “You can ask if you want. I didn’t know you were that interested.”

“I’m interested in anything to do with you,” Tim blurted out, then blushed again. Right to the roots of his carrot colored hair. “I mean…you know…I—”

“I’m flattered, Tim. Really. But your dad and I—”

“Went to high school together. I know. I don’t care about that. There’s-there’s no one like you. You’re a legend, Mr. Kirk. My-my hero.”

He stopped the hover car in front of the farmhouse and turned his puppy dog eyes to Jim.

Jim shook his head. “I’m no hero, Tim. You want to know what happened? How I lost my leg?”

He nodded.

Jim turned his gaze away. It was easier to tell it if he didn’t have to look someone in the face to hear his shame.

“We were going onto a planet that using the transporter wasn’t feasible. There was a man there, a dignitary very important to the Federation that our CMO needed to treat. So it was me, a pilot, the doctor, a security officer and an ensign.

On approach, the shuttlecraft started losing power, and it happened fast. One minute the pilot had just mentioned a problem and then we were crashing.” Jim paused, swallowed. “The pilot died on impact. The other three were all severely injured and covered in debris. I was the only one who was free to help anyone else. I knew there was something seriously fucked up with my leg but I didn’t have time to worry about me.

The wreckage was already on fire. It was getting bad. The smoke, the heat. I knew it could explode at any minute. It was that fast. And I knew that there was…I could only save one of the others. My leg felt like it was being ripped off and the smoke was making it so hard to breath. I’d be lucky to make it out of there with one of them.”

Jim stopped, stared out the window of the hovercraft at his house. His heart pounded and his stomach flipped over painfully. It was like he was there again. Not quite. There’d never been anything quite like it and he didn’t want to entirely relive it. This was hard enough. He had to detach himself to talk about it.

“The doctor, our CMO, was—is—my best friend. Leonard McCoy. Bones I call him. I-I chose him. I told myself that him being the doctor, if we were stranded there for a long time, I’d need him. He could treat us both. But he wasn’t even conscious. I just…I couldn’t let him die. He’d saved my life so many times and now I could save his. I thought about the ensign. Pavel Chekov. God, he was still just a kid. And so smart and so funny. I loved that kid.” Jim closed his eyes. “The truth is I never even thought about saving the security officer and how-how fucked up is that? What kind of captain does that make me? What kind of man?

Saving Bones was a near thing. We almost didn’t make it. My leg was barely functional at that point and he was dead weight. I kept inhaling all this smoke and the heat was murder. And as I was getting him out through a hole in the shuttle, I caught on fire.”

Tim gasped. Jim saw that he was clutching the side of his driver door and his mouth was hanging open. He’d gone very pale. Maybe telling the kid his shame had been a mistake. Likely he was appalled, as he should be.

“I pushed Bones through the hole, thinking at least he’d make it, even if I burned up with the shuttle,” Jim continued. “But I worried it wasn’t far enough. My arm was burning, so hot, so much-much pain.” His eyes pricked with tears. He’d had less pain when he was dying of radiation poisoning and that had been horrible enough. “I pushed myself through the hole and landed on the ground, rolling around to put the fire out. I grabbed Bones as best I could and got us both further away from the shuttle. I barely made it. I remained conscious only long enough to watch the shuttle explode. Then the pain was just too much.”

“I-I don’t know what to say,” Tim whispered.

Jim nodded and reached for the handle of the door. “So now you know. I’m no hero.”

“Mr. Kirk, I…Jim. I think you’re amazing.”

“You’re a good kid, Tim. Really you are. And thanks for the ride.” Jim grabbed his bag.

“Do you-did you want company or something?”

Jim was surprised by the hopeful look in his eyes. He didn’t look horrified by Jim like he should have been.

“No, Tim. Again, I’m flattered. But no. Thanks again for the ride.” He stepped out of the hover car and closed the door. He waved at Tim, indicating he could leave. After a slight hesitation, the hover car moved off down the lane away from Jim’s farmhouse.

Jim limped up to the porch and up the steps. He pulled out the pack of cigarettes he kept in the old mailbox and lit one up. Yeah, he wasn’t supposed to smoke, not with his lungs these days, but every once in a while he needed it. Like after having to relive the shuttle accident.

His eyes still stung a little as he thought about Chekov. When he’d first woke up after the accident, he used to dream of different scenarios. Sometimes in those dreams he saved Chekov instead of Bones. Sometimes the pilot didn’t die and he and Jim were able to save Bones _and_ Chekov both. He even saved the security guard in a dream or two.

And sometimes Bones and Chekov lived and Jim died.

The reality of it was, Jim was here. Alive. And Bones was too. And Jim just had to deal with that.

He put out the cigarette and went into the quiet dark house.

Every single time he entered this old place a memory hit him like a sort of haunting. The house wasn’t haunted, not really. But he was always assailed by something.

This time it was a memory of him and Sam sitting at the dining room table. Sam was only about seven so Jim was just a little thing. His brother was trying to help him make some sort of project.

_“You’re doing it wrong, Jimmy!” Sam yelled._

_“Well, you’re stupid!” Jimmy shot back._

_“Boys!” Mom turned from the stove in the kitchen._

Jim smiled a little and the memory disappeared. A memory when his mom had actually been on planet before Frank, before everything. When Sam still loved him. When his mom did too.

She’d loved him again, later, but Sam never did.

He left his suitcase just inside the door, deciding to deal with it later.

Jim didn’t know why, but he went right for his bedroom, right for the picture of him and Spock playing chess Uhura had given him all those years ago.

He traced his fingertips over Spock.

“I feel you,” he whispered. “I can feel you everywhere. Still.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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He found it wasn’t too cold when he went outside the next morning. He was able to get away with just a bit of a heavier shirt and jeans with work boots. No coat required. When the cold hit, he didn’t go out much.

Jim speculated it wouldn’t come for at least another month or so. The bad cold anyway. The snow. He’d stock up on supplies in the city as he did every year before the winter and then hole himself up and away from everyone.

And so one of the tasks he set for himself was to chop up plenty of firewood. The house had lots of heat. He wouldn’t live in a house without modern conveniences. Not at this point in his life. But he always liked having an old-fashioned fire going in the fireplace on the worst of the winter days.

He stood in the middle of the yard between the house and the old barn trying to figure out what he would do with the place as far as the future was concerned. Oh, he’d lived here plenty of time to have considered what he wanted to do, but he never had. Not really. He’d thought about some things. Little things. Nothing important. He always left that to another time. Another season.

And maybe it was seeing Spock and Bones that made him decide maybe this time he really ought to think things through more.

He would never see Spock again. But he might see Bones. If Bones could get himself successfully detoxed.

Jim guessed that Christine might have deeper feelings for Bones than any of them had guessed and that was likely her motivation for getting Bones help. And if that was what it was and Bones wanted it, Jim was glad for them.

The barn for one could use a good painting. Considering its age and neglect over the years, and certainly not just by him, it was probably a wonder painting was all it needed. The thing was, with Jim’s leg as it was, getting up and down ladders was not an ideal thing for him. Maybe before all this, he could have done all the painting of the barn himself, but certainly not now. He imagined he could get young Tim in here to help, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to open that can of worms. He could hire painters, too.

Or he could just leave it as it was. Old and peeling and in need of paint.

Which, hell, is what he did every year wasn’t it?

He turned away from the eyesore barn and surveyed the rest of the property.     

When first he’d come here after everything, he’d stood in this very place and thought about creating a big vegetable garden. Right over there.

Jim pointed to a swath of land to the upper right of the house he’d chosen for his garden. Like he was pointing it out to someone.

“You’re the only one here, you dumb shit.”

The second year he’d been here he’d even gone into the city and to a store that sold vegetable plants and seeds. It’d been spring then. He’d gotten seeds, a few plants, shovels and hoes, even some work gloves.

Then he’d come out here and done…nothing. He’d left everything by the area he’d planned for it and went back into the house. Over the following days, Jim had moved all the seeds and equipment into the barn and he’d thrown the plants away. They weren’t going to last if he didn’t plant them anyway.

All that seemed so long ago now. And really, it was years. He’d been here at the farmhouse for seven years. Seven years of nothing basically.

Jim supposed that needed to change. At least a little bit. He kind of liked his hermit existence. Not having to shave or even to bathe if he didn’t want to. Obviously at some point even he couldn’t stand his ripeness but it took a while.

He wasn’t stupid though. He knew all of this was stooped in depression he couldn’t shake. It was hardly normal to hole yourself up away from people and things you used to enjoy.

Jim glanced toward the barn again. The seeds should still be there. Did seeds go bad?

He found himself walking over to the barn and throwing the heavy door open.

“Lights,” he called out and the barn became fully illuminated.

There was a little shed in the corner by the long empty stalls of the barn. They hadn’t even been filled with animals when he was a kid. His mom had told him once that there’d been animals when his dad was a kid. Back when Tiberius Kirk had been in charge. But that was long ago. He’d never even met his dad’s dad.

Sure enough the shed was where he’d left the seed packets. He took them out and stared at them. It was going to be cold and winter soon, so what was he even doing here? If he planted anything now it would never survive until spring.

He closed the shed and sank to the ground.

He was surprised and yet not when tears sprang to his eyes. The last time he had cried was when he’d returned to his hotel room after being with Spock. And he knew in his heart he was crying over Spock now too. Which was stupid. All the tears in the world weren’t going to change things or make Spock magically love him. Hell, Spock himself had made sure he couldn’t love anyone. Or Jim thought that was the way Kolinahr worked anyway. He really had no idea and he was pretty sure he didn’t want to know.

Spock had been through a great deal of pain himself and Jim really couldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to feel anything. Jim didn’t want to either.

Eventually he forced himself to his feet, realizing he couldn’t sit in the barn all day crying over a life that wasn’t his. He walked over to the first stall and looked inside. Would he get animals one day? Jim didn’t really know. Part of him thought maybe it would do him some good to have something to be responsible for. But then again, what did he know about livestock?

“A dog,” Jim said out loud. “I could get a dog.”

As a kid, Jim hadn’t been allowed any pets. Frank thought they were messy. But Frank was dead and buried and thankfully in charge of no one now.

“Tomorrow,” he whispered. He’d go into the city and see about adopting a four-legged friend.

In the meantime, he might as well go and chop some wood for the fire.

He walked out of the barn, noticing the wind had picked up since he’d gone in, and closed the heavy door, this time entering his code to lock it. He hadn’t done that the last time he’d gone in.

Jim turned to go toward the wood pile and stopped dead in his tracks.

There in the middle of the yard between the house and the barn stood a figure dressed all in black. Black pants, black shirt, and a black cloak which whipped around him from the breeze. It was the only movement from the figure who stood very still.

Heart in his mouth, Jim closed his eyes against the vision, certain he was hallucinating. He blew out a breath and opened his eyes.

The figure in black was still there.

“Fuck me.”

_Spock_.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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>  [](https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T_2JD4BB6qA/Wp8Cr78ZqKI/AAAAAAAACeA/rBhM9sbm9QsnV8OqulTcRpOne6xVK4mngCLcBGAs/s1600/ZQQQ.jpg)   
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Jim still couldn’t quite believe Spock stood in his yard.

He approached the figure enrobed in black, still intent on realizing once he was close that it was another Vulcan altogether that had merely resembled Spock. Perhaps a strange Vulcan showing up in Riverside made no sense at all but neither did Spock showing up and so Jim clung to that. As it almost seemed he clung to his sanity.

But when he was mere steps away from him, Jim could no longer deny that he was indeed Spock. The Spock who had imprinted his very katra all over Jim when his fingers pressed into his heated flesh.

“Did you forget something?” Jim heard himself ask, weirded out by the rough sound of his own voice in the blustery chill of the yard. 

There was that familiar head tilt. It reminded Jim there was still some of the Spock he’d known in the emotionless shell before him.

“What would I have forgotten?”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t know.”

The wind whipped at his face, bringing tears to his eyes once more, for it most certainly had to be the wind, it stung his eyes.

“Why are you here?” Jim asked, when it seemed Spock did not intend to speak unless Jim prompted him to do so.

“I request that we speak inside your home.”

Since Jim didn’t particularly want to stand outside himself, he nodded and made himself walk past the Vulcan to the side door of the farmhouse. He opened the door and stepped inside, leaving the door open for Spock to join him.

When Spock closed the door, the house seemed to become more silent and ominous than usual, which was completely ridiculous, of course. Jim had absolutely nothing to fear from Spock, post-kolinahr or not.    

“Um.” Jim rubbed the back of his neck and glanced around his kitchen. “You want some tea or something? I have several kinds around here. I’ve kind of gotten into the habit of drinking it.”

“Yes, I would take tea.” Spock’s gaze dropped to Jim’s legs. “But I am capable of preparing it myself.”

“I’m sure you are.” Jim gave him a tired smile and filled the tea kettle with water. “But it’s not too much for me either.”

“I did not intend to imply it was.”

Jim waved that away. Almost said, whatever. And then thought better of it. Spock wouldn’t be the first one to treat him as though he were infirm now.

“Have a seat. The chairs in the living room are more comfortable than those in the dining room.”

Spock hesitated for only a moment before turning and going to Jim’s living room.

When he’d made a large pot of smoky tea, he brought it and two cups to the living room. Spock sat ramrod straight in one of the two straight-backed paisley patterned chairs there.

“Mom picked those out before she died.” Jim laughed a little self-consciously. “Well, obviously.” He poured tea for both of them and then handed a cup to Spock before choosing to sit on the couch. Which he’d picked out, actually. Not that it mattered. He was babbling even in his head now.

Spock raised the teacup to his mouth and sipped at it delicately like he was in some old Jane Austin novel from ancient Earth. But then again he had always done everything smoothly, effortlessly, elegantly. Well, except when he was trying to kill you, of course, Jim mused.

“I thought you went home,” Jim said into the dead silence of the room. He almost got up and built a fire in the fireplace just to be in motion while the Vulcan statue sat there, but he held onto his teacup with one hand and sat on the other so that he could stop the jitters.

“I did return to New Vulcan,” Spock replied. “But I returned to Earth today.”

Jim bit back a sigh. “No offense, Spock, but you’re giving me a headache.”

“You are in pain?”

“Not exactly. Just…you showing up out of the blue is a little…bewildering.”

“My apologies,” Spock murmured. “I have been experiencing some discomfort since…”

“Since?”

“Our recent intimacies.”

Jim raised both brows. “Discomfort? What kind of discomfort? Like a physical injury? I mean I know things got kind of intense but I didn’t think—”

“It is not a physical ailment,” Spock cut in curtly.

The cup in Jim’s hand rattled. He set it down and stood up. He went to the fireplace after all and began to load wood into it. His nerves were all a jumble and he really hoped he wasn’t on the verge of a seizure or anything. He hadn’t had one of those in years.

“What then?” he asked, his back to Spock.

“Some mental instability.”

Jim froze for a moment as he added another log into the hearth. He glanced over his shoulder at Spock. “From the kolinahr?”

Spock shook his head. “I do not believe so but I am uncertain.”

Jim turned his attention back to the fire and lit it, watching the flames in the wood come to life. “I assume you’ve been in contact with Vulcan healers then.”

“Yes.”

He made himself turn around and look at Spock, whose face could have been made out of stone.

“And?”

“They are unable to explain with certainty what I am experiencing.”

Jim clenched his fists. “Okay. Well. Uh, I’m certainly no expert on Vulcan biology or mental instability.”

“I am aware.”

“Well, then, why are you here? I don’t get it, Spock. If you know I can’t help you, then—”

“The purpose of my visit was to ascertain whether you were experiencing any discomfort yourself.”

“Me?” Jim shook his head. “Why would I? I mean, if this is a Vulcan thing—”

There was a big gust of wind that shook the whole house followed by a loud crash outside.

“Fuck. This winds going to blow my roof off at this rate,” Jim said, twisting his hands together. “I better go see what that was.”

He went out the side door and looked around his yard but in the growing darkness he couldn’t make out much. He peered up at the roof but didn’t see any evidence any part of it had come loose. By the time he circled the house and found nothing, his teeth were chattering because he’d forgotten a jacket.

Spock was waiting just inside the door when Jim entered the house.

“Didn’t see anything. But if this wind gets much worse this old house might be in trouble.”

“You are frozen.”

“No, I…okay, yeah a little,” Jim admitted.

He was surprised into silence when Spock’s hands suddenly slid up and down his arms, rubbing warmth into them. Was caring that Jim was cold an emotional thing or was it only logical?

At first Spock had been rubbing Jim’s arms rather fast but now he had slowed down to the point he was rubbing much more like a caress. Jim had a moment where he was glad his arms weren’t bare so Spock wouldn’t be feeling or seeing his scarred arm. Which was stupid considering their last time together.

Jim swallowed heavily and lifted his gaze from Spock’s hands on his arms to Spock’s eyes. They bored into him with such sudden sexual heat that Jim’s breath caught in his throat.

“Spock, what—”

His words were silenced by Spock’s mouth crushing over his.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--Osme7-SD3k/Wt4jZkd4azI/AAAAAAAACew/Ul_SoM-1bMQRi40iQHA8gmauN4DaklU_QCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_p7l8l4vIbO1vwdnnpo3_540.jpg)   
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Jim knew he should probably fight this. Push Spock away and demand answers. Why was he here after everything? What did he think he was doing? So many things, probably.

But he found that he could not. As much as his brain told him, way in the back somewhere, that he should resist, the rest of him decried that idea.

For Spock was kissing him in a way that made Jim think Spock wanted him, desperately wanted him, and God, maybe he was beyond pathetic, but he needed to be wanted right then. Needed Spock to want him, most especially.

And so instead of pushing Spock away, Jim pulled him closer. Lifted his arms up and around Spock’s neck. Kissed Spock back with every pent up emotion assailing him. Love, want, need, burning desire. If Spock wanted to fuck then Jim was onboard.

He laved his tongue along the seam of Spock’s lips until they parted allowing Jim’s tongue entrance. Spock’s tongue was on fire much like his lips, which ordinarily were oddly cool. They were anything but now.

Spock’s hands slid down Jim’s back, resting briefly on the hollow, causing shivers to run up Jim’s spine, and a moan to spill from his lips, before slipping down to Jim’s ass. The grip there was hard, strong.

He found his world tilting as he was lifted off the ground. He didn’t bother to scramble for purchase for he knew Spock would not drop him. He was almost freakishly strong and Jim found that way hotter than it should have been.

Somehow Spock must have guessed where Jim’s bedroom was because he carried Jim, hands on Jim’s ass, straight to his bedroom. The door was open, of course, for Jim lived alone and there was no one to close his door against.

They fell on the bed together, their mouths still fused as though to let go would mean death. Jim was so fucking hard he pushed up against Spock, desperate to rub against something for relief.

“Let me.” Spock somehow spoke even though his mouth was still invading Jim’s. He moved one hand to the fastenings of Jim’s pants, working amazingly deftly and unzipping them.

Jim arched into Spock’s grip as it closed around his now freed dick. He mewled into Spock’s mouth even as Spock sucked on his tongue. He tore at his own shirt, trying to get it off, and somehow Spock yanked it over his head, allowing Jim just a moment to breathe before his mouth once more devoured Jim’s.

This was crazy. He’d never felt so hard, so turned on, so unbelievably needy in his whole life. It was scary and exhilarating at the same time.

Finally Spock broke their kiss, it was the only way to successfully get them both naked. Jim panted in short breaths as he worked the work boots from his feet, being careful not to jar the artificial leg too much.

By the time he turned to pulling his pants and underwear the rest of the way off, Spock had already stripped out of his all black attire with startling efficiency.

He was so beautiful, Jim’s mouth went dry. Not that he could have forgotten from the last time they were together just how incredibly gorgeous Spock was. God, how would anyone like Spock ever want him? It was ridiculous.

But before he could give into such thoughts and once more consider pushing Spock away, Spock had rejoined him on the bed, kissing him hard and almost brutally but Jim relished it.

Long Vulcan fingers pinched his nipples, and Jim gasped both from pain and pleasure. Then once more Spock ended their frantic kissing and slid down Jim’s torso to place himself between Jim’s legs.

A hot, moist mouth swallowing down his cock had him keening and arching off the bed, hands digging into the sheets beneath him. He was taken deep and the suction was better than any he’d ever felt.

“Fuck, fuck, Spock,” he groaned out.

The outside wind hit his window with a hard blast but other than a tiny jump, Jim hardly noticed and Spock didn’t seem to at all as he continued driving Jim insane.

Spock inserted two fingers into him and after the briefest of burns, they slid in easily. Jim didn’t know where Spock got the lube or the significance of him having it, and at the moment he just didn’t care.

Over and over Spock fucked him with his fingers, his mouth doing incredible things to Jim’s soaking cock. Just when he thought he would surely expire of he didn’t come soon, Spock withdrew his fingers and released his cock with a somewhat loud slurp.

Jim almost laughed it seemed so out of character for Spock, but his emerging laugh turned to a moan of pleasure as Spock pushed into him, his double-ridged cock pushing past all his tight muscles to embed full within him.

Spock lifted up Jim’s legs, both of them, and there was no pain in Jim’s bad leg as Spock adjusted himself to easily thrust in and out of Jim’s ass.

It could have been seconds or hours, Jim lost track, as Spock pressed against his prostate with each pulsing, deep thrust. He began to feel like he was floating, in some other dimension or something, the pleasure so intense as to be unreal, surely.

At one point he thought Spock had placed his hand on Jim’s face, but he was barely aware of even that as his former first officer rode him, pistoned into him, again and again.

He clung to Spock, moving himself a little to angle his body so Spock could enter him deeper still. Spock moaned his approval at the new position. 

When Spock once more took Jim’s erection in his grip, it was too much stimulation and Jim shot out gobs of cum as he shook with tremors that wracked his body and mind. He was pretty sure he screamed Spock’s name.

Spock moved inside him, taking his time to thoroughly take Jim. He was too blissed out to care and even though he’d already orgasmed himself, he found pleasure in Spock’s thrusts into his body.

The Vulcan came without sound, as befitting a Vulcan who’d undergone Kolinahr, Jim imagined, but his expression was one of almost otherworldly ecstasy.

Afterward Spock slumped down into the bed, seemingly passed out, from what Jim could tell. But he breathed, and so Jim was unconcerned.

He rose from the bed and snatched up his clothes, briefly standing by his bedroom window to gaze out at the wind that rattled the house.

He still had no idea what any of this meant. Why Spock came, other than to claim mental instability, somehow attached to intimacy with Jim. Yet, Spock had been all for such intimacy again. 

Did Spock want something with him? That seemed unlikely. Jim was well aware what they’d just engaged in did not require an emotion behind it.  He’d been aware of that even before Spock declared it was a physiological response. Jim’d had his fair share of emotionless sex. Not with Spock, though. Not for him.

He went into his bathroom and dressed, washing himself off a bit before doing so. He checked on Spock when he was finished but the Vulcan still slept. Jim wondered how long it had been since Spock had done so.

Well, if Spock needed rest and solitude this was the place for it.

Jim went out to the kitchen and made himself coffee and an egg and toast. He rubbed absently at the thigh attached to his artificial limb. It ached a little but no more than usual.

Maybe he should regret having sex with Spock again. It would surely lead to more heartache for him and Jim wasn’t sure he could handle much more. But he couldn’t. Because all the stupid stories he’d heard over the years turned out to be true. Sex with someone you loved really was better.

Jim wished it wasn’t true.

For his own sake.  


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ ](https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wPbFJrpCFcs/Wwjc8A3tBlI/AAAAAAAACfo/NIcK75bRBrEW9vdEadIjSht-BFEvzKoFwCLcBGAs/s1600/a596afe8a58791aa47399088437d229b.jpg)
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He’d fallen asleep on the sofa in the living room because he hadn’t been able to make himself go back to his bedroom and share the bed with Spock.

When he woke, light was streaming through the windows but he could see that the wind was still blowing something fierce outside. And the house felt really cold to him.

Jim got up from the couch and noted the house was still silent save for his own noises. He got the heat started on his way to the bathroom in the hall, after first checking to see that Spock still lay in his bed, asleep. He snuck into the room for some clothes, but it seemed he needn’t have bothered because Spock appeared to be sleeping the sleep of the dead or something.

He peed, showered and dressed in clean clothes.

Jim wondered again how long it had been since Spock had gotten any rest. He’d indicated his mind had been disordered or unstable. Whatever it was Spock had said. That obviously had affected his sleep. He wasn’t sure how their intimacies, as Spock had called them, affected Spock. Had his sleep been troubled by their distance? It didn’t seem possible and yet now that Spock was here and they'd had sex, Spock was sleeping like a baby.

He made himself coffee in the kitchen and then an egg and toast, which he ate quickly, probably faster than he should. Then he returned to the living room to pick up his PADD to check up on Bones.

It wasn’t that long before Bones’ somewhat craggy face appeared on his screen. Jim smiled. “Hey there.”

“Morning, Sunshine,” Bones returned. “You look like hell, Jim.”

“Love you too.”

“You stopped shaving again.”

“Eh. It’s just a small amount of stubble. Forget me. How are you doing?”

“Christine is quite the taskmaster.” Bones shook his head. “I haven’t had a drink in a few days, so I guess that’s progress.”

“It is. Have you wanted one?”

Bones sighed. “Only half a dozen times—”

“That’s not so bad.”

“A day,” Bones finished, wryly.

“Oh.”

“It might be easier if I could just stop thinking about—”

“Yeah,” Jim said softly, cutting him off. He knew better than anyone what Bones thought about. And some things were better left unsaid. Or were they? Hell, he didn’t know. Maybe they should have talked about it more when it happened.

“What’s going on over there with you?” Bones asked.

Jim figured he shouldn’t really say, well. Spock showed up and fucked me within an inch of both our lives and is now crashed out in my bed. That probably wouldn’t go over too well with Bones.

“Not much. It’s quiet here. Well, except the crazy ass wind the last couple of days. I don’t get a lot of excitement here. I got propositioned by the son of someone I used to know, which was a little weird.”

Bones snorted. “Only you. Is there somewhere where you aren’t propositioned?”

He thought of Spock and once more squelched the urge to blab to Bones.

“Well, you know,” he said vaguely. “Speaking of, you and Christine. Is that going to be something or is she just acting as your friend?”

“Hell if I know. I don’t think I’m ready to even think about any sort of romantic relationship at the moment, Jim. And I think she understands that. Right now it’s friends who really fucking care about each other.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” He wished he had that. Instead of the whole Spock kolinahr thing. And seriously he needed to stop making everything about him and Spock.

“Anyway, Jim, thanks for checking in on me. I’ve got to get going though because I have a session coming up.”

“Counseling?”

“Yep. Something you might want to consider yourself.”

“Right,” Jim said non-committedly. “I’ll let you go, Bones. Talk soon?”

“You bet.”

And then Bones disappeared off his PADD screen. For some reason he thought of Bones playing Clair de Lune. At that moment he’d do anything to be sitting next to Bones while his best friend played.

Jim decided to go for a walk even though it was windy and cold out, so he pulled on his coat and went out the door. He wondered how Spock got to his farmhouse since he didn’t seem to have his own hover car. Or if he did, he’d parked it somewhere else.

It ended up being windier and colder than he’d even thought and he walked much further than he should have because by the time he reached the farmhouse again his upper thigh was hurting like a bitch.

As soon as he got close, even before his hand reached for the handle of the door, Jim knew Spock was awake and moving about the house. He just wasn’t sure how he knew it. He did though.

So he mentally braced himself, and turned the knob, and stepped inside.

Spock stood in the middle of Jim’s kitchen holding what he assumed was a mug of tea. It was one of Jim’s biggest oversized mugs and it had the Starfleet command insignia on it. His mother had given it to him long ago in his academy days. The symbol was fading now and there was a tiny hairline crack in the lip of the mug, but it was something his mother gave him and he would keep it until his dying day.

The funny thing was that if anyone else had presumed to go into his cabinet and dig out that mug, Jim would have been incensed. He kept it way in the back. You’d have to bypass several other suitable cups and mugs to reach it. But for some reason, Spock holding it, drinking from it, didn’t bother him at all.

“Good morning,” he called softly, closing the door behind him and removing his coat and scar. “Might rain later.” He paused. “Or snow. It’s cold enough.”

Weather comments. Great.

Spock’s gaze drifted over to the window and stayed there for far too long. It wasn’t like the Vulcan to give into avoidance.

“So.”

“You have many questions.”

“Yeah, maybe. But right now? I want to ask one thing.”

Spock continued to look out the window. “Yes?”

And suddenly Jim wanted to rattle Spock. Wanted to demand his attention. And yeah, the question was crazy, absurd, Jim was pretty sure he _knew_ the damn answer.   

“Did you hear me tell you I loved you?”

Spock’s startled gaze met his at last.

Jim smirked. “Yeah, you cold bastard. I want to know. Did you hear me tell you I loved you all those years ago in that prison?”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> [ ](https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hbXE7Jq1jqY/Wy7WbCtw0_I/AAAAAAAACg8/8R06vlG3GncWWDjK4y2-nAFIS5MiKEvmgCLcBGAs/s1600/2048x2730--29fa-11e6-9098-5b188e3c7e8d-assets-elleuk-com-thumbs-29184-chris-pine-dujour-magazine-copyright-jpg.jpg)  
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The silence ticked on and as it did any hope Jim had that remained, if he’d had any left, withered and died away. Or perhaps that was his shredded heart’s pieces.

Spock continued to stare at him, his expression so blank that it was almost like looking at a wall. The funny thing was, in the old days, before Kolinahr he could read Spock’s face, even if others couldn’t. But now…nothing.

He had his answer though.

“Get out.”

“Captain—”

“Don’t call me that. Not ever again. I’m not your damn captain. Or anyone’s. Not anymore. I haven’t been for a long fucking time.”

“Jim. You do not understand.”

“Oh, I understand perfectly. I asked you a question and you couldn’t even give me a straight answer. Let me help you. You did. You heard me say I loved you and it didn’t matter because you didn’t love me back so you just ignored it. Pretended you didn’t hear me. Isn’t that it, Spock?”

“Not exactly, no.”

“Fuck this. And fuck you. Next time you want to have sex with someone, go find some other patsy. Get out.” Jim turned away and then stopped. “You know what? Forget it. I’ll get out.”

He walked over to the coat tree and grabbed his jacket.

“Jim, wait.”

“No. I’m done waiting. I’ve been waiting all my fucking life. And for what?”

He slammed out the door and into the yard. He was angry, he was hurt, and he wasn’t even sure he had a right to be either. Spock was under no obligation to have feelings for him. He didn’t owe Jim anything.

Except to stop coming back and fucking him. It was true that Jim had gone to Spock’s hotel in San Francisco, but this…was all on Spock.

He walked blindly out into the yard, still holding the jacket he’d grabbed in his hands. Jim recognized it was bitterly cold but he was too numb to feel it. If no one made him move he’d probably stand there until he froze to death.

But distantly he heard the door open and close again and the approach of light footsteps. The jacket was pulled from his grip by deft fingers.

Spock reached for him to put the jacket on him but Jim stepped back, out of reach.

“Jim. It is freezing out here.”

“I don’t care.” He knew his defiance was foolish, definitely illogical from Spock’s point of view. 

“I would like to explain,” Spock said carefully. “But I wish to do so inside where it is warm.”

“Tough.”

“Jim—”

“I’m not moving from this spot so if you have something to say, Spock, you’ll say it here.”

The muscle of Spock’s jaw jumped which surprised Jim. Surely that had been caused by aggravation.

“I did hear you speak of love during our imprisonment.”

Though he’d already known the answer, it still let the wind out of his sails, so to speak. Jim felt himself deflate further. Become even more despondent. Wondering what the hell was wrong with him that nobody ever loved him.  

He turned away, unable to look at Spock’s face anymore, see the vacant detachment.

“But I…was delirious. When you did not repeat such sentiments in the medbay, I convinced myself that I had imagined what you said.”

“Why would you imagine that of all things?” Jim asked hollowly.

“Because I had-because there were times I had wished it to be so.” Spock’s voice was so soft a breeze might have carried it away. “And then you acted as though nothing had been said, nothing had changed between us and—”

Jim turned on him. “Don’t make this my fault, Spock.”

“I-it is not.”

“I cannot handle one more thing being my fault.”

Spock blinked at him. “No. It is not. I was the coward, not you.”

“So let me get this straight, you were waiting for me to come forward again, to tell you I loved you a second time and when that didn’t happen, and Uhura came to you and told you she was carrying your child, you said the hell with Jim, I need to marry Nyota.”

Spock didn’t answer him. Not fast enough, anyway.

Jim held up his hands, palms out. “Yeah, I got it.  Believe me, I always get it.

Spock took a step nearer. “If I had known your feelings were true I would—”

“What, Spock? Told Uhura you didn’t care that she was having your child, you wanted to be with me?”

“Before our capture I had ended my romantic relationship with Nyota because I was aware my commitment to her was not what it should be given I was more committed to you.”

“None of this matters, Spock,” Jim said,  suddenly drained of anger and with it energy. He was so damn tired. And for the first time since he’d come out here, he felt the cold. He pulled on the jacket, yanking the collar up high around his neck. His damn leg hurt too.  “It’s all in the past. The long past, in fact. You chose Uhura and that’s okay.”

And it was, sort of. Because life was made up of choices, wasn’t it? Hell, he’d chosen to save Bones over Chekov and that security guard he was embarrassed to realize he didn’t even remember his name. Because of that choice both he and Bones lived with the consequences.

Spock had chosen to make his life with Uhura. Since Jim had known him, really. Had it been so surprising that when she was going to have his baby they furthered their commitment? It hadn’t worked out. Maybe if their son had lived it would have and maybe not. Hell, it probably wouldn’t have even worked between him and Spock. Jim just didn’t know what it was like being in a relationship and now he was too old to bother.

“Jim, there is more.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“It is my belief that the reason I am experiencing mental unrest is because you and I are connected.”

“Connected,” he repeated without much inflection.

“A link.”

Jim rolled his eyes and scoffed. “A link? No.”

“Yes. It is a bond.”

‘We aren’t bonded.”

“I believe that we are.”

“Based on what? You’re fucked up head? My head’s been fucked up my whole life. Has nothing to do with a telepathic bond. Maybe they did something wrong when you went through Kolinahr. That’s far more likely.”

Spock straightened. “Why are you so resistant?”

“Because we would have known. We’ve known each other for years, Spock. You’ve touched my mind for missions. _You_ would have known.”

“When you came to me in San Francisco,” Spock said in a low voice. “When we were intimate that first time I believe it brought the bond to life.”

“Uh-huh. And where did this bond come from? Out of thin air? You were intimate with Uhura dozens of times, probably hundreds, and you didn’t spontaneously form a bond.”

“I am aware.”

Jim looked off toward the house, which suddenly felt like a million miles from where he stood freezing. He shoved his hands into his pockets.

“I’m going inside and I’m going to make a nice big cup of coffee and I’m going to pretend you and this bullshit conversation never took place.”

“Jim—”

He shook his hand, stuck his hand out for Spock to stop and went back to his farmhouse. His sanctuary. His way to avoid everything else. Once he hated this place. Now he couldn’t imagine leaving. Going to San Francisco for Bones’ daughter’s wedding had been a mistake.

Jim got inside the house and collapsed into the nearest chair. His thigh and head both throbbed.  

Spock walked in behind him.

“It is a t’hy’la bond.”

“Shut up.”

“Jim—”

“If you aren’t leaving you can just shut up.”

Spock slowly lowered himself into the chair next to Jim.

“I hate that I love you,” Jim whispered.

“I know.”

“Don’t talk.”

“May I continue to sit here?”

“Yes.”

Spock opened his mouth. Jim glared. The mouth closed.

“I just need a moment before I make coffee.”

Without a word Spock moved his hand toward where Jim’s rested on the table.  Jim moved his hand away and stood up.

“Time for that coffee.”

  


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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>  [ ](https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yDaXSRAdA-I/W1-2lvLnAII/AAAAAAAACiM/AFEkKj_AeVINtLNnkwYD2h-2J5OLcGFtwCLcBGAs/s1600/beyondish.jpg)
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 Jim kept his back to Spock as he made coffee but he could hear Spock breathe. Yeah, maybe that was strange. But he could. And Spock’s presence, Jim knowing he was there, even with his back deliberately to Spock, agitated him.

He wanted to demand that Spock leave. The words kept forming and yet he couldn’t get them out. Couldn’t make his mouth say them.

“Jim.”

Jim poured the freshly made coffee into a mug.

“If you would allow us to meld, then—”

“No.”

“Jim, please.”

Jim rounded on him then, gripping the mug in his hand like it was keeping him from strangling the Vulcan sitting in his house.

“No! Fuck you, Spock. You aren’t getting into my head. Look, I’m sorry that your mind is all, I don’t know, not right or whatever, but it has nothing to do with me and you have to accept that.”

“I believe that it has everything to do with you,” Spock said quietly. “And if we could meld, I could prove it to you.”

“Getting into my emotional head would probably mess with your Kolinahr anyway.”

Spock looked down at the floor and then back at Jim. “It was…not entirely successful.”

Jim just stared at him. The room tilted a little and he refocused and everything was straight again. Except that Spock still sat in his dining room saying so much bullshit.

“Because of our—”

“Don’t say bond.”

“Connection. The mental instability rendered it unsuccessful according to the Vulcan healers. It was only partially successful and because of that, they intend to reverse it.”

Jim frowned. “Can they do that?”

“It is not an easy procedure,” Spock said softly. “But the alternative would be eventual total irreparable mental incapacitation.”

Jim closed his eyes and turned away. “God damn it. This can never be easy.”

“It is never easy between us,” Spock agreed. “From the beginning.”

He took a sip of coffee and strengthened himself before he turned back around and walked over to the table to sit down.

“It was easy with her, though, wasn’t it?”

“At first,” Spock replied. “At the end…anything but.”

“Your…boy.”

Spock ignored that, seemingly. Instead he said, “As it was easy for you with McCoy.”

“Bones?” Jim shook his head.

“You have always been closer to Leonard than anyone you have ever known,” Spock pointed out. “You have a level of intimacy there that I was never able to penetrate. You formed a bond of friendship and brotherhood from the moment you met. You told me this yourself. You sacrificed your own body to save his life.”

“All right,” Jim said. “It was easy. Until it wasn’t.”

“Explain.”

“That sacrifice you mention. The shuttle crash? That changed everything for both of us. Neither of us could live with the result. Bones turned to booze and…well.”

“You turned to self-imposed solitude.”

“In some ways we became so much closer, so much deeper still, you know, but also so very distant,” Jim whispered.

Spock swallowed, his Adam’s apple sliding down his throat. “Just as you and me.”

Jim bowed his head. “I don’t think so. I mean, yeah, the distance is there, but…we were never really close. I wanted us to be. I thought…when Ambassador Spock melded with me on Delta Vega, I saw so many things. Stuff I don’t even think he meant for me to see. And then he told me things, about them. Their friendship. I had to die before you would even say we were friends, Spock. And still I held out hope that we’d be like them. Someday.”

He raised his head and looked at Spock.

“ _He_ loved his Jim. That’s not something I’ve ever known. After Khan, after Bones revived me, thanks to you, yeah, but still, we didn’t become closer. Hell, you almost left. The truth is, Spock, we’re-we’re just not meant to be. And God it kills me to say that. It does. Because I _feel_ it. Everywhere I feel it. You make me cry. No one does that. Not since I was a stupid little kid. You rip me to shreds and make me feel worthless. When I left your hotel in San Francisco, I went back to my hotel and I was fucking destroyed. I love you. But I love you so much I am going to set you free.”

“Jim, I—”

Jim shook his head. “If I need to go with you to New Vulcan to help you with your Kolinahr, I will. If there is some kind of bond between us, it’s twisted and tainted anyway. They can sever it and you can do whatever you want. Bond with someone else or become what you always wanted, a completely logical being. And I can come back here.”

“And do what?” Spock spoke sharply now. “Become a shut in? A hermit? Is that really preferable to me?”

“I don’t know,” Jim admitted. “I really don’t know.”

****

Jim surveyed the wind damage to his house, circling the building several times, taking it all in. The roof would need repairs, but it wasn’t as bad as it could be.

Now he was going to have to go back inside and face Spock again. His whole body was like one emotional scar. An ache. His head hurt. His heart. It was even hard to breathe.

But Spock was in there. And whatever else, they both probably should eat something. And delaying it all, facing Spock, pretending to inspect the house one more damn time, wasn’t going to do anything.

With a sigh, Jim walked up the steps to the side door. He peered through the glass of the door, narrowing his eyes as he spotted something laying on the floor in the dining room.

He yanked the door open and ran in.

“Spock! Spock!”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [ ](https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-51OJ6ZBulxY/W6GvZSdI16I/AAAAAAAACic/4ollY59RGBUoF0MX0Kf5rya2fhx5BM-7wCLcBGAs/s1600/22applebeauty.jpg)
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Jim knelt next to an unconscious Spock, feeling his side to see if he could feel Spock’s heartbeat.

“Come on, Spock. Work with me. I don’t know any medicine let alone Vulcan medicine.”

Thankfully, he could feel the Vulcan heart just as he noticed the rise and fall of Spock’s chest.

“Come on,” Jim urged softly “You’re not sleeping beauty and I’m no prince.”

Spock’s lashes fluttered and then very slowly lifted to stare at Jim.

“Hey. Welcome back.”

Spock began to immediately rise.

“Whoa, whoa. No, I don’t think so.” He gently pushed on Spock to keep him in place. Or to let him know he wanted to keep him in place anyway. “Don’t rush it and don’t freak out, okay?”

Spock nodded.

“Can you speak?”

Spock opened his mouth, then closed it, and then opened it again. “Yes.”

“Good. Any lightheadedness? Currently that is.”

“A small amount.”

“Headache?”

Spock hesitated. Then nodded again.

“Is that still from the discomfort you spoke of because you’re bonded with me?”

“No, Jim. My discomfort does not stem from being bonded with you. It stems from the unfulfilled bond.”

“Semantics, I’d say. And just now? Do you know why you collapsed?”

“I assume that it continues to come from my mind instability.”

“What happened right before you collapsed?”

“I do not know. I watched you depart and then I opened my eyes to you kneeling beside me.”

“Hmm.” Jim studied him. “You’re really pale. Can you sit up if I help you?”

“Yes.”

Jim supported Spock’s back as Spock lifted himself into a seated position on the floor. “All right?”

“It would seem so.” Spock lowered his gaze, not looking at Jim.

“What?”

“I do not think it is something you will wish to hear given your previous statements.”

Jim grimaced. “Try me.”

“My collapse may have been related to your rejection of the bond and insistence it be broken.”

“And it may have been related to the wind. Or the moon. Or the stars.”

“Jim—”

Jim sighed. “The point is, we don’t really know with the limited information we have. Spock, you don’t even want to be bonded with me.”

“That is not true.”

“All evidence over the last several years proves otherwise.” Jim still didn’t like how pale Spock was but the color was returning slowly. “Think you can stand up long enough to sit in a chair?”

“Affirmative.”

Jim stood himself and reached down to help Spock up and over to a dining room chair. As he eased Spock down to sit, his fingertips brushed against the bare skin of Spock’s throat causing the Vulcan to suck in a breath.

“Sorry, I—”

As he went to move away, Spock seized Jim’s hand and firmly placed it back on his throat. Spock closed his eyes.

“What are you doing?” Jim demanded.

“Your touch is helping.”

“It is?”

“I have been trying to explain that our connection assists with my instability but you have been unwilling to listen,” Spock said sharply.

Jim’s mouth thinned but he pulled a chair closer with his one free hand and sat in it next to Spock. “So…explain.”

“This is my fault.”

“I agree.”

“Jim—”

Jim sighed. “Can I have my hand back? This position is awkward.”

Spock let go of Jim’s hand but as he did so, he deflated. Jim reached for Spock’s hand and held it, palm to palm, fingers curved around Spock’s.

“Does that help?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“You drive me nuts. You know that?”

“Yes.”

“I actually don’t think you do,” Jim insisted. “From the first damn minute you walked to that podium pulling your jacket down I wanted to throttle you.”

“And instead I throttled you.”

“Yeah.” Jim sighed again. “In more ways than one. You were always it for me. No one else could ever make me feel like this and believe me, I fucking tried.”

Spock’s gaze had risen and he studied Jim intently. “It is the same for me. I…feel your memories.”

“My memories?”

Spock nodded. “Of the burning of your arm. Such pain.”

His voice broke slightly which surprised Jim.

“The thing about that shuttle, if you had been there, everyone else would have died. Me too, probably. Because I would have saved you, instead of Bones.”

“I do not—”

“Yeah, you do. You do know it. Bones, yeah he was…” Jim winced. “ _Is_ my best friend. He was the _logical_ choice, Spock.  He’s a doctor and not only could he help himself live but me too. The guard and Chekov could not. And God, it’s awful that I had to let them die. I can’t tell you how often I dream about it. Them. Pavel was a kid still. Not one of them should have mattered more than the others. They were all lives. So I went with the _logical_ choice.  It was also the selfish one, though.”

“Because you saved the doctor.”

“Because it would save _me_. I have survival guilt so much I could give a ten week course on it. But if you had been there, I would have dismissed all the rest and saved you. And that’s fucked up, Spock. A captain can’t think like that. He can’t choose who he loves over everyone else. Or he’s not fucking captain material.”

Spock shook his head. “You were not faced with that dilemma.”

“In my mind I am. And I think, deep down, that’s why they wouldn’t take me back. Pike said all those years ago I wasn’t fit to be captain and—”

“That is not what he said.”

“Semantics again. I had a crisis of command at the same time as a personal crisis. I’m psychologically compromised, forget the physical. I may not have become an alcoholic like Bones or gone for Kolinahr like you, but I’m touched in the head, nevertheless.” He tapped his forehead. “So, I don’t know. Maybe living in solitude here by myself is the price I pay.”

“You expect to pay too high a price.”

“Maybe.” He shook his head. “Do you have feelings for me?”

Spock stared at him.

“Because you know through all this you keep talking about connections and links and commitments. How you didn’t believe me when I told you I loved you. You wanted it to be true and blah blah. But through all of this, fucking me, coming here, and fucking me again. You’ve never once said that _you_ actually love _me_. It’s all vague and Vulcany, isn’t it?”

Jim moved his hand away and stood, putting distance between them.

“So, tell me. With all of this partial Kolinahr and bond stuff, collapsing because you need me, you obviously want me, you can’t fake that. Do you or do you not love me?”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [ ](https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4IvVqZ5VuGg/W99Q3e5a3DI/AAAAAAAACjY/VLCIpzb3Vhszv59L0NoQX61105dLRQUMQCLcBGAs/s1600/362A58A300000578-0-Ready_to_boldly_go_Karl_Urban_s_Dr_McCoy_Chris_Pine_s_Captain_Ki-a-21_1468344286971.jpg)
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The moment Jim saw Spock’s expression, his face, crumble was one he thought maybe he’d remember for the rest of his life. Those perfect eyebrows scrunched in, not so much as furrowed, but scrunched. His mouth turned downward. Those dark eyes turned stormy, broken. But the worst, the strangest, is that Spock began to shake.

“Spock?”

“I…I—”

The shaking became almost unbearable and when tears sprung up into the corners of Spock’s eyes, Jim’s hardened defenses crumbled right along with Spock. He framed Spock’s face.

“Hey. Hey. It’s okay. You don’t—”

Spock sucked in a breath which was a cross between a gasp and a swallow.  “No, I…”

“Are you having a panic attack?”

Spock’s eyes widened.

“God, how am I supposed to feel about that? You’re panicking because you might have to tell me you love me?” He moved his hands down to Spock’s shoulders, holding him firmly there.

“I do,” Spock said, a whisper that could have been taken away by the gentlest of breezes. “Jim. I cannot be without you.”

Jim searched his gaze. “Because of the bond?”

“The bond formed because we are t’hy’la.” Each word Spock said seemed to pain him. “You feel for me and I for you because we are t’hy’la. We are t’hy’la because we feel for each other. It is…it is all combined. It cannot be separated.”

“I need the words, Spock. I need to hear them. Those three words. I know that’s not logical to you. People say all the time that those three words are meaningless, but I need them.”

Spock nodded. Like the words, it looked like it cost him a lot of effort to make that gesture. And maybe Jim should let it go, let Spock out of this, but he couldn’t. He’d started this and now he couldn’t take it back. Didn’t want to take it back.

“I love you.”

Jim closed his eyes, sagged against Spock, pressing their bodies together. Spock’s arms came around him then, holding them upright, when Jim thought maybe they’d both collapse otherwise.

“Spock. Spock.”

He buried his face into Spock’s neck, feeling the wetness from his own eyes against Spock’s warm skin.

_Jim_.

He wasn’t sure if Spock said that out loud or in his head. And really it didn’t matter.  Spock’s hands slid up Jim’s back and then he pulled him away just a little, just enough so that their faces were mere inches away from each other and Jim could see through his own tears that Spock was crying too.

Spock’s mouth descended on his, soft and gentle, not demanding, not brutal. Just soft, loving, and yet filled with an almost unspeakable passion.

And Jim wanted Spock. Again. He knew it wouldn’t solve anything. But he loved and wanted Spock and Spock loved and wanted him. And surely, there was something there they could work with.

Despite his words to Spock, Jim did not want to live the rest of his days in solitude and he didn’t want to curse Spock to madness, to a half-life. Spock had always been more important than anyone, even himself, and that was hardly going to change.

He pulled his mouth from Spock’s but only to beg, “Make love to me.”

Spock’s lips returned to his instantly, his hands sliding down to Jim’s ass. He felt himself being lifted, and God, did he love that Vulcan strength. He thought for a moment Spock would carry him into a bedroom, but they only made it to the dining room table, and that was just fine with him.

Jim was deposited onto the table, on the edge, Spock’s lips still desperately drinking from his. Jim managed to twist around enough to get his shoes off, then he helped Spock tug his jeans and briefs off.

With a flip of his fingers at the fastenings of Spock’s, he groaned out, “Off.”

Spock undressed only to his knees, but it was enough. The first thrust inside was perhaps a little painful, a sharp sting that had Jim wince, but it was over soon, and there was only pleasure and need between them.

When Spock’s fingers went to his face, spread out over the psi points, Jim only hesitated a moment before nodding his permission. Spock let out a joyful cry as he melded them, joining with Jim’s mind just as he joined their bodies.

Sun and Sea. Fire and Ice.

They came together. Cold and Heat. Desert and Snow.

The powerful orgasm wracking his body could have been his or Spock’s, both, as he could feel everything Spock felt, know everything Spock knew.

And then, as they came down from the scorched earth they’d created, Spock held him, did not separate from him. Jim clung to Spock, letting him carry him from the table and into the bedroom, lying down beside him, as they both could no longer keep their eyes open.

_Jim._

A joyful warmth.

_Spock._

Protection.


End file.
